Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Soloflite's Demented Show

I've always imagined myself as having my own show.
You know, getting top personalities on board, exchange pleasantries, slip truth-serum in their coffee and just get everything straight from the horses mouth.
Ah yes, now that would be fun.

Saddamn in Manila

Soloflite: Good evening everyone, for my pilot show, i am very glad to have with me today, none other than certified bad-guy, the ex-President of Iraq and central figure in the Axis of Evil... Mr Saddamnnnnn Hussein!!!

Audience: *Applause*

Saddamn: *Walks to solo and shakes his hand* I am so honored to be in your show Soloflite, I really admire your work. *sits down*

SF: Thanks Saddamn. I must say, it has been a long time since you've been here in the philippines. How long has it been? I even saw you with Imelda in that video of hers.

SH: That was FIDEL CASTRO. Im Saddamn Hussein.

SF: Im sorry, i keep confusing my evil bushily-mustached dictators. Anyway, here have some coffee.

SH: Thanks Soloflite. Yes it has really been a while since i've been to your beautiful country. You really have a lot of beautiful bitches here.

SF: BEACHes, Saddamn. Theres a difference. This is primetime, my friend.

SH: Of course, of course. The bEAChes. I like those too.

SF: So how have you been? I never expected you to be back here. Especially since you were languishing in some top-secret, ultra-high security Alcatraz in the States where George bush swore you'll never crawl out of.

SH: Oh, you know me. Apparently my people in Iraq are clamoring for my safe return and have nobly resisted the infidel American invaders. George has seen the light and I am going back home. And since the Filipinos and Iraqis have always showed love for each other, he sent me here to Manila while I prepare for my return to power in Iraq.

SF: Ri-ight. *eyebrow raised*

SH: Yes. And while I'm here i also plan on going to your new National Hero, Angelo dela Cruz to personally offer my apologies for his mistreatment at the hands of my loyalists. I'll make sure he gets offered another driving assignment to Iraq anytime he wants.

*Saddamn sips coffee.
The one spiked with truth serum.
So he'll like, tell the truth.*

SH: As I was saying... Why was I in a US prison? If the US hated me enough from the start to invade my own country, massacre my entire family, my elite guard and half my hometown AND dig me up from that little crypt i hid myself in... Do you really think they'd give me a fair trial?

SF: Er... they did take you alive right? You're innocent until proven guilty.

SH: They made me pee in my pants! Infidels! *takes another sip from coffee* This is good coffee Soloflite.

SF: Yes. Barako, Batangas' Pride. Go on.

SH: Where was I... Oh yes... So Mr Koffi Annan of the UN visits me one day and tells me that they decided to keep me off George's hands. So Koffi goes like "Okay Saddamn, we're moving you to a country of your choice. Just as long as we agree to it. And no, not Iran or North Korea."

SF: Ahhhh... the plot thickens. So why manila? Let me guess... I suppose it had to be the ONLY country that was committed to the war on terror... but opposed to the occupation of Iraq. Right?

SH: Right. That's what I told Koffi, so he agreed. *another sip of coffee* Actually, I asked to be sent to Manila because i heard that even that idiot Al Ghozi was able to escape Manila's most hi-tech prison!! Hahahaha those morons in your PNP are really stupid!

SF: Well, its not totally our fault Saddamn. Even maximum-security sentries have to sleep sometime.

SH: any case, my next plan of action while i'm here, is that my last remaining half-brother Goddamn Hussein will take his Filipino maid hostage and threaten to rape her senseless and chop off her head with a breadknife if your spineless president doesn't release me from prison.

SF: Er.. I think thats enough coffee for you Saddamn.

SH: Yes, yes. I see it now. *finishes the last of the coffee* Then after the maid, Goddamn will get my personal AK-47, point it at my personal 'boy' and threaten to shove it up his butt and sodomize him in front of the international community unless GMA does an ocho-ocho in front of the UN council. That'll be fun. *Gulps down the remaining coffee* Ahh... You're good Soloflite, i never told anyone else this stuff...

SF: *pretends to look out* Is that Kris?! Oh, I think we have to go now Saddamn... the next host is up.

SH: And after she does the Ocho Ocho... *looks at the empty cup* Hmmm... Got anymore coffee? Hey, whats that?

*Armed guards show up and bodily take Saddamn from the stage*

SF: I guess thats it for tonight folks...

*Lights out*

The Directress: Thats it. Next time we serve starbucks instead OK?



Anonymous said...

taas kamay talaga ako sa iyo bro!!!! you help make my nights bearable - in a good and wholesome way of course :D


Anonymous said...'re crazy :)

sarah said...

Saddam Hussein = Fidel Castro.

Jac said...

Kick ass writing as always Solo! ;D

melissa said...

my, my..that's a clever one!
i liked reading this one. nice imagination!

have a great weekend, ayt!

April said...

Hhehehe, man... u go GURL!

Anonymous said...

Help me Dude, I'm lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw Elvis in the supermarket yesterday.

No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new plasmatv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a plasma tv .

Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger then I'm gonna go home and ask Michael Jackson to come round and watch that waaaay cool surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on my new plasma tv .

And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

"You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on "

Strange day or what? :-)