My body is clamoring for change.
I feel it now-- this surge of indecision, the mixture of emotions. Fear, Anxiety and Doubt. Strength, Faith and Excitement. Again a battle between my logic, creativity...my body and my soul. I find myself giving in to the demands of each-- what else could explain the passion for work, a sudden interest for blogging, the need for the gym and this almost daily soulsearching?
I need to be perfect somehow. The Fourth Year is here once more.
Elementary, Highschool, College. Where these not but chapters in my life? Always, at the end of the chapter, I would feel the need for change. I would get bored at my current state and push myself to the absolute limit in preparation for the next part of the series.
And then the next chapter would come. And in the past two, it was especially so.
From being the poor boy in an elitist school, I was introduced to a very diverse highschool life in Pisay. It was a time i honed my logic and mathematical skills and reworked myself from being the sickly little boy to a muscular young man through various sports. It was a time when I found solace in a group, yet strength in my individuality.
Then there was college, where i learned more about the social aspects of life, about the wonders of the internet and my potential for the arts. It was here that i was prepared for the rigors of the Real World and where most of who I am really came about.
But then again, the route was planned. The map was always there with the locations clearly marked. The graduation was something to prepare for. And the next stage, though something frightfully exciting, was always to be hoped for.
After this, then this. No ifs, no buts. I have to go where the next stop should be.
Now it is different. This is the the Real World. There are no maps. There is no graduation. There should be no Fourth Year.
Yet still, I feel the Fourth Year beckoning me.
I am strangely excited of what will happen next. What will i do the next four years? Is there a new chapter I have unknowingly advanced to? Or did I unwittingly get bonked off the block in the school of hard knocks?
Did I make the most of the past four years or am i destined to repeat it? Did I pass with flying colors or did I just drift by? Did I major on my majors or did I dabble too much in the extracurricular?
Yes, Im afraid. Maybe I wasnt on the right track. Maybe I took the wrong turn somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, I messed up.
And so here I am again, awaiting an imaginary graduation. Looking forward to tomorrow, but blinded by the light of dawn. In search for a dream, for my place in this world.
But then again, why shouldnt i greet the end of the Fourth Year the same way I did the last time? Why shouldnt I shout "Carpe Diem!" and raise my fist once again? Let the new challenges come... I will sneer at hopelessness in the face and tango with the inevitable yet again.
But first, I need to find my course in life. I need to figure out where im headed and find the new maps that will show me the path to my destiny.
The Fourth Year is upon me. And I have yet to find a new dream.
To be continued...