Thursday, July 22, 2004

Looking For A Hero

Best Read after the What IF scenario.

The Presidential Office

(Gma sitting alone in her presidential office)

GMA : Oh shit, the SONA is fast approaching. What do i do? I need something to spice it up...

(Fairy Godmother pops out of nowhere. Hey, crazy shit happens in this country.)

Fairy Godmother (FG): I see you are distressed little one. What can i do for you?

GMA: (pleasant surprise) Fairy Godmother! My SONA is just around the corner and I need to spice it up somehow to cover up the stupid things i promised but for the life of me i have no idea how to fulfill...

FG: But Thumbelina... since when did you start talking politics?

GMA: Er. Im GMA. Hello? President of the Philippines?

FG: (Look of shock) Oh. I could have sworn...

GMA: (famous taray look) Hmph! Anyway, for my SONA. i think I need to give the filipino people... a hero!

FG: No problem GMA. (waves her magic wand) Bibibity Babbity Boo!

(Going the Distance Background music starts playing. Hercules pops up.)

Hercules: You need. A Hero. I am. A hero. (Smiles)

GMA: (Turns to fairy godmother) Er... you know, i need someone a bit more... modern?

FG: Whoops! Sorry (waves wand. Hercules vanishes in a puff of dust) Hmmm... Ah i know! (Waves wand again)

(Gargantuan figure materializes)

Big Green Monster : Grrrraaaahhh!!! Hulk Smash!

GMA: Mike, Honey? Is that you?

FG: Er... This one I dont like. (Dismisses The Hulk) How about someone a bit more local?

(FG does her thing again. Now A raggedly dressed man pops out from the smoke)

GMA: Er... please dont tell me. (groans)

Mang Pandoy: Magandang gabi po?

(Pandoy, Pandoy! PandooooOOOooy! Themesong starts playing)

Mang Pandoy: (walks with a swagger with hands in his hip pockets) Sama sama tayong magpandoy ng panibago nating bukas.

GMA: Fairy Godmother! I know he's the filipino everman and all, but He's just too... creepy! He reminds me too much of someone!

FG: (Shrugs. Waves wand again. Pandoy is gone.) So who do you want?

GMA: Who else is there? Tell me first before you start summonning them.

FG: Okay. Hmmm... Volta?

GMA: ...and remind people of the impending Power crisis in two years? Nope.

FG: ...Lastikman?

GMA: Lets not bring up plastic at this time. The Iraq situation's pretty touchy right now.

FG: Gagamboy? Spiders are in right now.

GMA: Anyone else? Just between the two of us, I have a really bad case of arachnaphobia. I had a bad experience with spiders when i was a kid.

FG: Really? It bit you?

GMA: I uh... fell off one.

FG: (shaking her head) I wont even ask how. How about Captain Barbel?

GMA: Er. He's already in my senatorial lineup remember? Plus, I swear he has a beerbelly now.

FG: ...Wengweng?

GMA: No. People will notice he's taller than me.

FG: ...Booba? Darna? I could have them do the Otso otso for you if you want.

GMA: Been there. Done that. Im kinda tired of the skimpily clad heroines gyrating wildly on stage routine. It wouldn't be a surprise if i use the same tactics again. I need something new this year.

FG: ...Manny Pacquiao? He's the people's champ. Perfect source for inspiration.

GMA: Nah Too much of a fighter. The last thing i want is for the masa to get excited in that way. I've got a ton of critics just goading them for another EDSA sequel. Lets just pacify them. Maybe someone who people can relate to, that just allows everyone to step over him. An ordinary doormat who we give some sort of heroic appeal?

FG: Hmmm.. Ah i know... give me ur phone.

(GMA hands over the phone)

GMA: Who do you have in mind?

FG: You want an everman? I'll give you an everman. A regular pinoy hero.

GMA: Really? A regular hero? What did he do?

FG: Well.. He fathered a lot of pinoys.

GMA: Er... I dont NEED more filipinos. It would actually be nice to send off our excess baggage to countries like Iraq so we dont have to worry about them anymore right?

FG: Hmmm... Yeah. something like that.

GMA: And i want someone who isn't the aggressive type.

FG: Yup. not a complaint from this guy. Threaten to chop his head off, and not even a whimper from him. I tell you, the masa will love him! And if you just act as if he's the greatest hero around, maybe give him a house and lot, maybe some medals, make a movie about him with someone like Lito Lapid... they'll believe you.

GMA: And what makes him so heroic again?

FG: Nothing. He's just a 'victim' of the system. You know, like the male version of Judy Anne. The masa LOVES Judy Anne because of that. I mean, definitely not for her looks...

GMA: Hmm... And i can just parade him in my SONA?

FG: Of course. He's an unemployed bum you can hire indefinitely.

GMA: Sounds great! So who are you calling?

FG : An old friend.

(talks to the phone)

FG: Hello? Ahmed? You still have Angelo with you?


A thousand pardons for the delay. Micster's fiends and devious muffin trees killed off hundreds of overtiming braincells last night... which later led to the ponement of this post :) As this is my first blog that i didnt finish in one sitting, any lapses in the story's logical jumps are because of this.

Hahaha Thanks mic! ;)


Rache said...

very witty. very funny.

Anonymous said...

AB-SO-LUTELY hilarious. i was kinda hoping you'll post more soon. hhahhaha. geez. i never gLOL in front on my pc ever. this is the sillier LOL i got yet. keep em coming. hahahaha.

G! said...

i thought FG wsa gonna call erap :)

Anonymous said...

i almost fell off my chair dude! seriuosly. i love the way you write! you made my weekend!!!! :D


solo flite said...

G!- interesting thought. Natawa ako... check this site:

it's my DRAFT. what a coincidence hahaha

Jac said...

Another well-written post! Bravo! :D

Blog World said...

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Stewart Alsop- Posters.