Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Star Wars in 15 minutes :)

Opening Credits:

A long long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away...

War! The prequels are crumbling under attacks of ruthless movie critics. They are zeroes on both flicks. The scripts are sucking everywhere.

In a stunning move, the great Director George Lucas,is planning to sew up the plot holes and kill off any characters that will never be seen in Episode 4.

As the intro goes on, two JEdi knights lead an action packed desperate mission to rescue the Star Wars series...

Opening Scene:
*Lots of action. In any case, the less Anakin talks, the better the scene*
Anakin and Obi-Wan are leading the Republic forces in an all out space battle. For some reason, Anakin does all the dirty work and Obi-wan looks like a total loser. But then they still make it to battleship carrying the hostage Palpatine.

Scene 2: Landing at the Battleship
Anakin and Obi-Wan land in the Trade Federation cruiser’s landing dock and enter the cruiser.
Obi wan: *Kills droids*

Anakin: *Kills more droids* Hmm.. I sense Count Dooku.
Obi Wan: I sense a trap... but then again that never stopped us before. Lets spring it!
Anakin: Ugh. Oh, R2. Take this comlink, which will mean you'll be absolutely defenseless if you hold this. And... Oh yeah stay here and guard the ship.
R2: Beeps. (subtitle: Oh shit...)

Scene 3: The Bridge
Grievous: Cough cough. What's the situation, Captain?
Captain: TWO Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay.
Grievous: Cough cough. Excellent. Just as Dooku predicted. Hand me my Turbohaler.

Scene 4: Hangar again
Anakin and Obi Wan fight their way through the battle cruiser.

R2: *Hides from big overgrown battle droids*

Obi wan and Anakin rush through the ship and kill more droids.

R2: *Cant hide from big overgrown battle droids*
Super battle droids: Come here you little bastard!
R2: *Pisses on battle droids*
Super battle droids: *Slips on the piss*
R2: *Beeps* (Subtitle: "Eat my dust, dust eaters") *turns on afterburners and runs away*
Super battle droids: *Burns up. Eats R2s dust*

Scene 5: Palpatine's Quarters
OB Wan: (bows) Chancellor.
Anakin: Are you all right?
Palpatine: Count Dooku. *Dooku Enters*
Get help! You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.
Obi Wan: Bah. Sith Lords are our specialty.
Anakin: Uh, Master, dont we get our ass kicked by the Sith each time?

*Lamest fight scene in prequel history ensues. Obi Wan DOES get his ass kicked and flops around like a rag doll. Anakin manages to slice off Dooku's hands*

Dooku: Oh shit.
Palpatine: Kill him.
Dooku: *Makes goo goo eyes*
Anakin: I cant! He's so cute...
Palpatine: Kill him!
Dooku: *Bats eyelashes*
Anakin: I cant! He's making me all warm and fuzzy inside...
Palpatine: Kill him!!!
Anakin: Ok. *Lops off Dooku's head*
Palpatine: See? That wasnt so bad. Doesnt it feel great?
Anakin: What do you want me to say? "Are you not entertained?!"

*Goes towards Ob wan. Background: Ship is exploding*

Anakin: Oh shit. Now I have to carry him through half the ship!
Palpatine: Leave him. We dont have time.
Anakin: No. His fate is the same as ours...
Palpatine:... Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot. WE WILL ALL APPEAR in the next TRILOGY.
*Anakin picks up OB wan like a rag doll*

Scene 6: Various shots throughout the ship.
Ship parts keep exploding and Anakin and Palpatine run towards the hangar bay. Obi wan is still a rag doll.

Scene 7: The trap
Droid flunkie: We found them! Theyre in hallway 328.
Grievous: Activate Time space warp.
Droid Flunkie: Ngayon din!
Suddenly Time Space warp surrounds the Jedi.

Voice Over: Ang time space warp ay...
George Lucas: Shut that thing up.
Voice over: Sorry.

Back to the Jedi...

Anakin: Arrgh! The Time Space Warp! Oldest trick in the book!
Obi Wan: Damn.
Anakin: Oh well. R2 will save our butts yet again anyway. See?
R2 comes running in.
Anakin: See? No problem.
R2: *Beeps* (Subtitle: You think you got problems?)
Battledroids storm the room and kick R2 down.
Obi Wan: Oh shit.

Scene 8: The bridge
Ah. Obi wan, that wasnt much of a rescue. And Anakin. I thought you'd be much older.
Anakin: Screw you. You're much uglier than i expected.
Grievous: Jedi Scum! Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection (Shows a host of different lightsabers that will make Carmen Electra proud)
Obi Wan: Bastard! I wont let you take our lightsabers!
The jedi suddenly break free with R2's help. They start killing the droids while Grievous looks on.
Grievous: You lose Obi Wan! *Faces Obi Wan*
Pilot: Uh, General, the ship is exploding. And you dont have any more turbohalers...
Grievous: Damn. I gotta go. *Throws his staff at the glass window. It shatters and sucks everything out to space. Everything just breaks into total chaos.
And yeah, Grievous manages to crawl back to the ship and escape through a pod.*

Scene 9: Bridge
*Ship stabilizes a bit and the Jedi wipe out the remaining droids. They look out and see the ship crashing into a planet.*
Anakin: Great. All the escape pods are gone.
Obi Wan: Can you fly this thing?
Anakin: I have to. Otherwise, we cant appear in the next trilogy.
Obi Wan: Thats a relief.
Anakin: *Miraculously saves the day by crashlanding a 200-ton battleship into a runway the size of a sidestreet*

Scene 10: The landing
Everyone applauds the Jedi and the chancellor as they approach.
Crowd: Wooohoo!
Anakin: Are you coming master?
Obi Wan: Nah. You go. You're the Jedi poster boy. And I've enough of theatrics after Moulin Rouge.
Anakin: Okay. *Walks around. Padme Appears*
Padme: Anakin!
Anakin: Padme! *Tries to kiss her*
Padme: Oooh. Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Anakin: It HAS been five months. Lets do it here!
Padme: We cant do it here. People shouldnt see us. Its a GP movie.
Anakin: Damn. Hmm... somethings different.
Padme: Im pregnant.
Anakin: *Stunned silence*
Padme: You're the father.
Anakin: Whew. Okay. Wow. Im so happy all of a sudden.
Padme: But anakin, what do we do?
Anakin: Dont worry. I'm sure me getting kicked out of the Jedi order and you being expelled from the Senate if anyone gets word of this wont be so bad.
Padme: Oh Anakin! Thats the sweetest thing I ever heard... *Hug, kiss, lapdance*

Scene 11: Some Conference Room
Darth sidius: Send the Separatist leaders to Mustafar.
Grievous: *Cough Cough* As you wish. And the death of Dooku?
Darth Sidius: A necessary loss. I have a much much more powerful apprentice in the making.
Audience: DARTH VADER!!!
Darth Sidius: Shhh. Anyway, go to Utapau. That should be good for your asthma.
Grievous: *Cough Cough* Thank you.

Scene 12: Padme's Apartments
Padme: *Sappy and Cheesy lines* Its only because Im so in love...
Anakin: *Sappy and Cheesy lines* No, its because IM so in love...
Audience member: Parang pinoy telenovelaaaah!

Scene 13: The dream
Anakin: Arrrgghh!!
Padme: What is it?
Anakin: Im dreaming the same nightmares I did when my mommy died.
Padme: Whats the difference?
Anakin: *Woody acting* You were in it. You die in childbirth.
Padme: *Gasp!* Should we tell Obi Wan?
Anakin: No. Lets not. I'll find a way to save you from my nightmare.
Padme: Tried Valium?

Scene 14: Talking with Yoda
Yoda: Hmm... Close to you, someone is. Dead she will be?
Anakin: Er, not exactly, but yeah...
Yoda: If die she must, then die she will.
Anakin: You're not helping yoda.
Yoda: Mourn them do not, miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. Jealousy leads to greed. Greed leads to... Something... Something leads to fear. Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. Anger leads to... THE DARK SIDE.
Anakin: My heads starting to hurt master yoda... Everything seems to lead to the dark side.

Scene 15: Jedi Temple
Obi wan: The war is going well, but today, the senate will give the Chancellor the ability to declare martial law.
Anakin: So whats wrong?
Obi Wan: Be careful of your friend.
Anakin: Just because he asked me to kill an unarmed, pun unintended, Dooku doesnt mean he's a bad guy.

Obi wan: He has requested your presence. Its very unusual. In case you noticed, the relatons between the Jedi and the Chancellor are very stressed.
Anakin: Why the distrust. Where is the love?
Obi Wan: The force grows dark Anakin. Be wary of your feelings.

Scene 16: Palpatine and Anakin
Palpatine: This afternoon, the senate will ask me to take direct control of the Jedi Council.
Anakin: They wont report to the senate?
Palpatine: The will report to me. Personally.
Anakin: They wont like it. Anyway, I trust you because I know you're a really good guy who has the republic's best interests in mind.
Palpatine: Of course. I want you to do something, by the way.
Anakin: Yes?
Palpatine: I want you to be my spy there. You shall represent me in the Jedi Council.
Anakin: You mean I get to be the Jedi Master just like Master Yoda and Mace Windu??! Cool

Scene 17: The Jedi Council
Mace: We appoint you as part of the council... But not as a Jedi Master.
Anakin: WTF??!! Im part of a council but not a Jedi Master? What am I then? Chopped Liver?
Mace: Take a seat, young Skywalker!
Anakin: Sorry master.
Yoda: Under attack Wookie land is. Relations with Wookies I have. Liberate them I will.
Obi Wan: He is right! We can't afford to lose Wookieland or Chewbacca cant appear in the next sequel. I'll go after Grievous.
Mace: Its decided then. Yoda goes to wookieland, Obi Wan goes after Grievous, and Anakin... well, you stay here.
Anakin: ...

Scene 18: Anakin and Obi wan are talking
WTF was that all about? I'm the greatest Jedi that ever lived, but not only am I not a Master, but im forced to stay here while you guys have all the action. I tell you, yoda's getting to be a real Pointy-haired boss!
Obiwan: Thats office politics for you. Anyway, I have a task for you.
Anakin: ...this sounds familiar.
Obi Wan: We want you to spy on the Chancellor.

Scene 19: Padme's residence
Anakin: *light banter*
Padme: I heard about your new role Anakin. Im so proud of you.
Anakin: I may be on the council... but im not yet a master. They still treat me as if I were a Padawan learner...
Padme: Anakin...
Anakin: Im starting not to like the Jedi...
Padme: Have you considered we may be on the wrong side? What if the Republic's become evil...?
Anakin: Nah. There is no way that Palpatine could be bad.
Padme: Oh Anakin! Thats the sweetest thing I ever heard... *Hug, kiss, lapdance*

Scene 20: Palpatine watching a movie
Anakin: You wanted to see me Chancellor?
Palpatine: Yes. I have good news. We found out where Grievous is hiding!
Anakin: Great! Now to capture him...
Palpatine: Wait. Tell me. Did the jedi want you to betray me?
Anakin: ...
Palpatine: They asked you to spy on me right?
Anakin: ...
Palpatine: Do you still think the Jedi are good.
Anakin: ...Jedi are good. Sith bad.
Palpatine: Good is a point of view. the Sith and Jedi are the same. They believe in security and justice. Only, the Sith are stronger because of the Dark side. Does that make them... bad?
Anakin: Head hurts... Dark Side... cannot be good.
Palpatine: The Dark side can save people from dying. There was one Sith Lord who mastered this art.
Anakin: He can save people from death?
Palpatine: The dark side of the force is a pathway to many powers... Good powers.
Anakin: Yes. That cant be bad... Where can I learn that?
Palpatine: Not from a Jedi.

Scene 21: Jedi Council
Anakin: Grievous is in Utapau.
Yoda: Act on this, we must.
Anakin: The Chancellor requested I lead the attack.
Mace windu: *Peeved* The council will make up its own mind on who to go.
Yoda: A master is needed, with more experience.
Mace: Lets send Obi wan
Anakin: But Dooku and Grievous kicked his ass the last time...
Obi Wan: *snarl*
Yoda: Obi wan, my choice is.
Anakin: *Pissed*

Scene 22: Wookieland
The wookies engage the Droid separatists. Great action follows.
In the meantime, Obi wan drops by Padme's Apartment, after which Anakin see's Obi Wan off to Utapau. Anakin checks on Padme once he gets back.

Scene 23: Utapau
Obi Wan lands his ship and the local chief Tion Medon greets him.
Tion Medon: Greetings young Jedi. What brings you to our obviously peaceful and happy planet?
Obi Wan: Im looking for Grievous.
Tion Medon: *whisper* He's up there. 10th floor. Thousands of battle droids... but you can take on him on your own.
Obi Wan: *whispers* Thanks for the info. Tell your people to hide.

*Obi Wan hides. The ship takes off on autopilot. Enemy spies think he's gone and go back to normal. Meanwhile Obi wan creeps around the place on a weird lizard thingie. He finds Grievous, who is coincidentally surrounded by a gazillion droids and suddenly jumps down on him.*

Obi Wan: Hello there!
Grievous: You got balls kenobi! Get him droids!
Obi Wan: *Kills droids*
Grievous: Enough of this! *Faces obi wan*
Obi Wan: *Kills more droids*
Grievous: Back Away. His ass is mine!
Obi wAn: Your move.

Grievous uncovers his cloak and shows FOUR light sabers! He twirls them around and attacks Obi Wan. Kick-ass light saber battle ensues.
Obi Wan cuts of hand after hand of General Grievous until the Clone troops jump in and kill more droids.

Grievous: No fair! You were never this good before this scene!
Obi Wan: Ha! I only suck when Anakin's around!
Grievous: Damn. I have to get away from him...
Grievous then beats a hasty retreat. Obi Wan follows on his weird lizard but drops his light saber.

Scene 24: Palpatine's Office:
Chancellor, we just received a report that Obi Wan is actually kicking Grievous' Ass.
Palpatine: You should be there. But they dont trust you. The Force is too strong in you.
Anakin: How do you know this?
Palpatine: I know the ways of the force. Both Sides.
Anakin: *Gasp*
Palpatine: The dark side ain't that bad you know...
Anakin: *Gasp*
Palpatine: In case you still havent noticed, I'm Darth Sidius.
Anakin: OMG! You're a Sith Lord! I'll turn you over!
Palpatine: Remember I have the power to save Padme...
Anakin: Arrgghh! Indecision... Head hurts... *Leaves*

*In the meantime, Obi Wan is chasing down General Grievous. For some weird reason, his four legged dragon somehow outran the high-speed mono-cycle Grievous was using.
Since both dont have light sabers, they engage in hand to hand combat. Grievous of course is harder than Obi wan, but Obi learns that only after he tries kicking Grievous. After a couple more bouts of pain, he decides to use a laser pistol he found lying on the ground to fire at Grievous' unprotected lung. Grievous dies.*

Scene 25: Mace Windu's office
Master Windu. I just discovered the Chancellor is a sith lord!
Windu: A sith lord?!
Anakin: The one we've been looking for.
Windu: Then we have to go. Quickly.
Anakin: Lets go.
Windu: Dont get involved.

*Mace Windu grabs 3 jedi flunkies and prepare to arrest Palpatine*

Windu: In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you are under arrest Palpatine.
Palpatine: I dare you.
Windu: *ignites light saber*
3 jedi flunkies: *ignite light sabers*
Palapatine: *ignites light saber. Attacks.*
3 Jedi Flunkies: *Die*
Mace and Palpatine have a helluva battle. Finally, Mace corners Palpatine.
Mace: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? *Holds Palpatine at Light Saber Point*

Anakin Enters.

Palpatine: Anakin! Help me!
Mace Windu: Dont look at him.
Palpatine: *Makes goo goo eyes*
Anakin: Dont Kill him mace!
Mace: He's too dangerous to be kept alive! I said, don't look at him!!
Palpatine: *Bats eyelashes* Save me Anakin!
Anakin: Argh. Head hurts... Warm fuzzy feeling again... *Suddenly slices Mace windu's hands*
Mace: WTF??!
Palpatine: *Fries Mace windu and he flies out the window and falls down to his death*
Anakin: Oh shit. What have I done?!
Palpatine: No turning back now kiddo.
Anakin: Ok. *kneels* I pledge alliance to the Sith. And, uh, help me save Padme OK?
Palpatine: Rise, Darth Vader.
*Yoda is seen having a heart attack*

Scene 26: Chancellors office
Now for the fun part. We will terminate all Jedi that do not appear in the next Trilogy.
Anakin: Agreed.
Palpatine: First, we massacre the jedi in the Jedi temple. NExt we'll activate a secret order I gave to all clone troops that will make them turn against any Jedi Master they're currently working with.
Anakin: Ok. I'll start with the Jedi temple...

Scene 27: Various Cutscenes
Palpatine gives the order to all his clone troops. They shoot all jedi except Yoda and Obi Wan point blank at the back.

Sample scene: Jedi Knight with a horde of Clone Troops

Jedi: Get behind me!!! I shall concentrate all my powers on the enemy, so make sure nobody fires at me from the blind spot at my back.

Clone troops: Yes sir! *Gets behind the Jedi*

Jedi: *Makes sure everyone is behind him* Lets go!!!

Palpatine's voice: Execute Order 66

Clone troops: *Concentrated fire at Jedi*

Jedi: WTf??!!! *Dies*

Obi Wan is fired with a rocket launcher and falls into a lake, but survives.
Yoda, barely surviving a series of heart attacks still gets to kick the asses of his assassins. The wookies help yoda escape by letting him piggyback on one of them.
zooms in on a wookie.
Audience: Its Chewbacccaaaaaa!!!
Yoda: Goodbye Chewbacca and Tarrful. Miss you I will.
Chewbacca: *Barks* (Subtitle:

Monday, May 23, 2005

Hard to Tell, What make of this movie, To

Just watched Star Wars episode 3 last night...

Im still making up my mind about how I found it, but a friend and I were discussing how the Prequels had been too, shall we say, limited.

The world of Star Wars could have been expounded so much more had George Lucas NOT concentrated on Darth Vader's ascent to power. I mean, he did make it clear that the prequels would be all about Darth Vader right?

What if he stepped back and made something similar to the "Animatrix" or some non-Darth Vader related prequels. What would these look like?

Here are some of the titles of the Star Wars titles (or at least ideas) that could have been part of the prequels (not all are GP-rated hehe) :

* Idea: Chronicles of Yoda (this would be a full-blown series hehe)

* Sith Happens
Hmmm... How many Sith Lords are there... really? There were like 2 sith lords vs. tons of jedi in all the prequels...

* The Bikini-clad women in the life of Jabba the Hut --- A documentary

* The Jedi Night Scandal: The Younglings bare it all

* Shaggy, the Groovy Wookie Jedi (Or something like an Austin Powers Jedi Knight)

* Idea: The Swashbuckling adventures of Han Solo (And Chewy)

* Kama Sithra - (1001 enjoyable ways to use the Dark Side of the Force)

* Idea: The exploits of Mace Windu (he looked really cool, but I expected more action and killer lines from Samuel L. Jackson)


Oh yeah... I compared it with my "spoof" here:

I got some things right :)
1. Chewbacca DID have a cameo
2. Anakin was jealous of other Jedi's "lightsabers"
3. Anakin did use a Blue light saber even as Darth Vader
4. Anakin wasted Mace Windu
5. Padme didnt wear a bikini (darn!)
6. Darth Vader went "Nooooooooo!" in the ending

the main difference I guess was at least in MY version, it was easy to understand why Anakin scorned the Jedi and turned to the Sith :)

Friday, May 20, 2005

Singapore, singapore!

First of all, apologies to everyone for being such a delinquent blogger. I noticed my Palawan post (see next post) was gathering cobwebs already while my Singaporean mishaps were as of yet unchronicled. Really busy lately has been my perpertual excuse, but tonight, I write uninhibited once again... (yeah yeah, i still have the "To be continued" line at the end of each post. Ugh)

I went to a mandatory 4-day training class in singapore last week, and with me feeling the need for a break, I decided to extend my stay there by a weekend (and the monday) before the training.

Day One

I bunked in that Saturday with longtime partner-in-crime Lifebunny (of Its Raining Men fame) in his spacious Flat at Parc Oasis.

See some of our misadventures (through his eyes) here.

I got there via the MRT within Changi airport. Thats right. The MRT INSIDE CHANGI AIRPORT. I've been to Singapore a few times before and never noticed it. Actually, it was because not too many people seemed to use it to get out of the airport. It was located in a dimly lit floor with so few people wandering around it made me wonder if I was unconsciously sneaking into yet another restricted area.

Anyway, after a horrendously delayed flight that caused me to miss most of what I planned to do the first afternoon, asickening airline meal that made me more hungry than satiated, and a long MRT ride where I gave up my seat to an old Singaporean lady, Lifebunny easily convinced me to relax have dinner at Hooters Singapore (for those unfamiliar with this place, its a popular American sports bar with well-endowed waitresses in halter tops and short skirts, which has absolutely nothing to do with why big rowdy crowds gather there or why we chose that particular sports bar)

On the way, like the typical Pinoys out of their country, we started bashing the local culture (see his version here) or talking about how Pinoys could easily get around Singapore's strict laws and security (case in point: The MRT inside Changi could be the perfect smugglers route for unsavory characters who might want to steal airline luggage or how easy it would be to sneak into the MRT without a card.)

One of the funniest things we discussed was how they pronounce FILM (as in movie) as FLIM. Once, lifebunny was asked by his colleagues if he wanted to watch a FLIM and he was like "WTF is a FLIM?" It took him a while to figure out that it really meant "FILM".

Funny thing is, he wrote FILM down on a piece of paper and asked a local to read it. "FILM" the aforementioned local said. Apparently they read it as FILM, but use it as FLIM in their daily life. Hehe wonder if they got MLIK?

We also talked about how there were so much more pretty girls in Manila than in singapore. The difference mainly is that in singapore (overall) girls tend to dress better and have slimmer and nicer bodies (Hipon anyone?). Otherwise, a popular joke goes "What do you call a
pretty girl in Singapore? A tourist." Sigh. I suddenly missed manila.

Disclaimer: There ARE pretty girls in singapore. I met some of them in my trip hehe

Singaporeans pronounce Hooters as Hooties, he explained (later on I found out it was a joke.) But at the back of my mind I was thinking (with great disappointment) they might be implying small hooters.

Anyway, we got to Clarke Quay (where the aforementioned hooters was located) before any more Singaporeans died of a thousand verbal stillettos on their backs. Clarke Quay at that time was effectively dead. And it was 10:30 pm on a Saturday night. The only obvious activity in the area were foreigners walking around and the "Reverse Bungee" ride where you creep into the
rubber end of giant-sized "Tirador" and get whisked up and down at full Tirador speed. Hooters was the only place that had people coming and going in though, so we stuck with our plan.

I was right. Mini hooties. But then, we didnt go there for the girls, we went for the beer, Lifebunny reminded me again. As a background, the payment for staying in his flat was a couple of beers each night.

We scanned the menu and ended up ordering the 20-piece chicken wings package (the only stuff I could afford without slitting my wrists) and a bucket of Coronas. Beer here was S$10 a bottle... roughly 330 pesos (around 10-20 times more expensive than in manila). We toasted to more Beer Money (This is the most culturally accurate way of computing how much money you're making: How much beer can you buy with your monthly salary? Apparently in Manila, I make more Beer Money than he does in Singapore hehe) for all of us.

The discussion went from work to life, to the reasons why Lifebunny left Manila to go to singapore. I lamented about the number of friends that keep migrating out of Manila and a lot of other things. We toasted to making more money and getting better jobs.

We talked about how we got the jobs we wanted right after graduation even though we were the worst slackers in our block (so to speak hehe. We had the tendency to be the Bad Influences on our studious friends, consistently advocating cut classes and never took notes in class) and about college friends who were at the top of their class, but didnt get the breaks and who are now terribly disappointed with the real world.

We toasted to Slackers and Naturally Gifted people like us who never set ourselves up for a letdown in the real world.

Well, except for our Hooters expectations. There was a sort-of-show where some of the scantily clad waitressess did hula hoops in front of some drunken patrons (meaning- not us)... not exactly as entertaining as you might expect. And the last call for drinks as only 1:30 am! Talk about boring. Thus ends the forced early night back to Chateau Lifebunny...

To be continued...

Palawan... continued

see some pix in SoloflitesDementedWorld.blogspot.com


For lunch, we dropped by the quaint little vietnamese community aptly
named "Vietville" for some er.. Vietnamese cuisine.

Vietville is one of the more popular tourist spots in the area. Originally it was a sort-of-refugee camp for boat people shortly after the Vietnam war broke out. At the height of the Vietnam war, the Philippines, along with a number of other nations pitched in for the boat-people and funded the creation of this village (all this I got from a commemorative signboard I read upon entering). Now it is now a thriving community of Vietnamese who chose to stay in Palawan even after they were given the opportunity to go back home.

Anyway, our group decided to have lunch at the famous Seafood restaurant there, and while the food was being prepared I decided to take a look around town.

It wasnt really a large village so I was able to walk around the area in around 20 minutes. Besides the Restaurant, there was only one major "sari-sari" store, one souvenir shop and some pens where they kept chickens, dogs and other animals. The houses here were definitely
different from the typical Filipino style in Puerto Princesa and I decided that it had to be, well, vietnamese.

Everyone I met was either biking or walking, all of whom would politely nod their heads and say "Mawning" whenever I got close. I was amazed at the number of first-generation vietnamese. I thought they'd be the first ones to return home once it was safe, but I guess Palawan just grew on them.

Near the edge of the village was a buddhist temple of sorts with a large pagoda with a statue of Buddha in his contemplative pose. Opposite to this however, was yet another pagoda styled almost like the first one.

Naturally, I was curious as to how a small community like this would have two buddhist temples and decided to take a closer look. This time, the statue doing the contemplation was none other than the Virgin Mary... Apparently that was their Catholic Parish! Talk about east meeting west!

I then went back to the restaurant and had an appetizing meal of spring rolls, shrimp and beef noodles and some of their famous French Toast (this was a bargain at 5 bucks each!) Afterwards, we prepared for the journey to the Underground River of Sabang.

The Road to Sabang

The trip going to the Underground River was an adventure in itself. The 2-hour drive going to Sabang can be done either by Jeepney, which will not leave until every bit of space has been occupied (including the rooftop and the "sabit" areas) or by a rented van.

The van, on hindsight, was a very good decision. Though more expensive, it made us able to enjoy the "Palawan Massage", what the local folks jokingly call the horribly bumpy 2-hour ride to Sabang. I, for the life of me, couldnt even begin to imagine how it would feel like to be taking this punishment of a ride on top of the Jeepney under the scorching noontime heat, hitting your flesh against the hard metal of the makeshift rooftop seats... but since it was a very comfortable air-conditioned van that we got, I just laid back and enjoyed the "massage".

The trip was otherwise uneventful, except for an occassionally great view of Palawans eastern coast or several limestone formations.

Sabang and the Underground River Nature Park

Sabang beach was our next destination. From there we could either hike 4 hours to the Underground River area or take a 20 minute boat trip. While I had no issues with walking for 4 hours with my pack, because of time constraints, we decided to go by boat.

The boat ride gave us an awesome view of the rock and limestone formations in the area as well as the surrounding beaches (see pix). The landing site was the Nature Park where the Underground River was located.

Back in Sabang beach, our van's driver who was also our tour guide for the day, advised us a couple of things before we disembarked for the boat. First, only bring stuff that are waterproof, and second, dont open your food in front of the monkeys.

The first one made perfect sense. The next didnt. And looking back, I should have taken it more seriously. In this little area gathered probably the only bayawaks (monitor lizards) in the Philippines who had no fear of being cooked adobo style and monkeys who could sneak up, snatch your potato chip bags, open it (Yes, i saw them do it!) and eat it in front of you.

When that happened, I saw the local guys flashing toothy grins and giving me the "Dont say we didnt warn you" look.

The Underground River

The Underground river is basically a large river valley that had one of the surrounding mountains collapse on it thousands of years ago. Through the years it was slowly eked out into a full-sized cavern with beautiful stalactite and stalagmite formations and developed into the longest underground river in Asia, reaching up to 8.5km from one end to another.

The opening from the nature park was a cave in the middle of a beautiful pool of clear blue water. To go inside, we had to go with one of the local boatmen and take one of the "Sagwans" or canoes which were retrofitted with high powered lights that could penetrate the darkness within the cave. Before that, we were asked to wear life jackets and miners hats. Again, the first one made sense, but the second one?

As I was thinking about this a group of dark flying creatures I mistook for bats swarmed towards the cave. The boatman used this moment to point out the use of the miners hats. There were two types of flying creatures which shared the cave- bats (active at night) and swallows (active by day.) Both of which could shit with impunity from above. I strapped on the hat immediately.

As we cast off from the park and started going into the cave, I decided to flash some light in the water. I peered underneath and saw little fishes that looked suspiciously like "Dulong"... which if caught alive and mixed with calamansi and onions, was a popular delicacy among island hoppers and local fisherfolk (and myself included). After making a mental note of bringing calamansi the next time I was in Palawan, and of documenting how typical it is of Filipinos to see and animal and try to remember how it should be cooked, my mind concentrated once again on the cave.

The "tour" that we were having covered only 1.5 km of the underground river. Beyond that, you need special permits from the Mayors office as the caverns would be too low for normal sagwans and professional diving gear would be required.

The first thing to notice once you're inside the underground river is the amount of movement. Inside these caves dwelled the swallows (which I earlier thought were bats) which were just flying all around the place. Our guide would later explain that this cave is one of the most popular spots for getting the swallow's nests, the main ingredient of "bird's nest" soup, but that the gatherers would have to scale at least 10 meters of sheer rock (and bat guano) to be able to get it.

And where were the bats? Sleeping apparently. As I shone my light through the caverns ceiling I saw rows upon rows of sleeping bats. I marveled at the timing of their internal clocks because try as I might, even my light couldnt wake them up. The guide explained they usually awaken all at once at around 5pm and return 5am the next morning at the same time again. I checked my watch- 3:30. I wouldnt see the show.

The cave narrowed and widened as we passed through. Our guide would occassionally point to weird stalactites they christened as "Ibong nakabaliktad", "mais", "Dinosaur" or some other descriptive names (which would require the same imagination as understanding how the different constellations got their names). Overall, going through the cave, I was just amazed at the sheer size of this underground cavern.

There were a few stalagmites in areas where the cave allowed for some dry land, but a lot of these just looked too creepy, and in the dim lights of the cave looked like an eery group of people discussing something. One looked so much like a human figure that other people who visited the area would later tell me they felt like they were being watched.

There was an area in the cave where there were a number of white painted crosses on the walls. Here, supposedly, the guide said, a number of priests tried to bless the cave years before. Why they blessed it, he didnt say. Which added to the creepy feeling the stalagmites gave.

My main frustration at this point was that it was so hard to take pictures. The lighting of the cave was just too dark, and simply snapping up pix required coordination with another person who would be holding the lights. Not to mention the fact that I was trying to keep the camera safe from falling bat guano.

The guide led us to an area he called "The highway". Here was a long stretch of smooth walls and stalactite-free cavern and was the most bat and swallow-free area. The walls were just beautiful, being dotted with thousands of little pockmarks that gave the effect of shining when the light flashes over them.

After the highway, encountered a larger cavern with plenty of stalactites hanging about. The guide then pointed to the dark recesses of the cave and told us that it was the end of our trip and to go further would require more sophisticated equipment. He then turned the boat around and led us on the journey back.

to be continued: Next: Puerto Princesa at night and Island hoppin in Honda Bay

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

This just pisses me off

Im out for a week in Singapore, and its really tough to update this blog...

but I got this Anonymous Comment from blogger and I just have to reply.

You Filipinos are some of the dumbest people I have ever met. Dumb flip is a term that Filipinos were commonly known by.

You are a strange looking people not one thing or the other. The Filipino accent is one of the most annoying in the world, however it serves a purpose. It announces to the world that a dumb ass is speaking.

I have never met a culture so devoid of substance. How stupid is it making tools from bamboo rather than stone? You should probably be thankful to the Spanish. Imagine how much more of a shit hole the Philippines would be if they hadn't conquered you.

Your country is a third world shit hole. You have beautiful beaches but you can hardly take credit for that. Luckily other countries took pity on your pathetic asses and let some of you move there.

To Anonymous sonovabitch:

If you drop by my site and insult my heritage, you should at least have balls enough to leave an indication of who you are so I can generalize from how stupid your way of thinking how idiotic your particular race/gender/IQ group/scientific genus is.

Im not sure why you hate filipinos so much. Did your girlfriend compare you to a filipino lover, laugh and leave you crying? Did your Mom get pregnant from a one-night stand with a Filipino? Is that how you hate how we look?

There is no "Filipino look" nor is there a "Filipino Accent" (i made that up, but i didn't factor in how literal some idiots can be) . We're a melting pot of spanish, asian and american culture and our main problem as a country is lack of identity more than anything.

Did you have a filipino boss? Did you lose your stupid job to a filipino? Cant you get over the fact that we in third world countries can do so much more stuff for much much less pay? Or do you just hate us for having damn good looking beaches and being able to go and relax in our damn goodlooking beaches whenever we want?

Tell the Japanese and chinese straight to their faces that using bamboo is dumb. lets see what their reaction is. Early civilizations tend to use whatever stuff they have lying in abundance as their main materials. But you knew that of course. You're from a First World country where you have excellent diction, perfect features, an IQ of 200 and of course stone home entertainment systems.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The secret script of Star Wars EPISODE THREE

(Due to popular StarWars demand... I now publish this post once again...)
Opening Scene: The Skywalker Household

Annakin: What??!!! You're Pregnant??!!

Padme: Yes my love. It all happened when...

A: But... This is the last of the prequels. How the hell can you top Princess Leia in a bikini in that condition??!

(suddenly Obi wan calls Annakin on his 3D Mobile phone)

A: Yes OB Wan?

OB: Annie, the planet of Wookieland is under attack from the evil sith!

A: It is ANNAKIN! Cut out the annie stuff. And what the hell are we supposed to do in Wookieland?

OB: We need to get Chewbacca in the plot in this movie or else we have no way to explain why Harrison Ford was cavorting with an overgrown terrier.

A: Screw the wookies. Nothing can convince me to join you in a reckless attempt to save a remote backwater planet from hordes of evil heavily armed drones. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. (closes hologram)

P: Thats nice dear. I need someone to talk to while im I get all these headaches, bad moods, irritating whining and all. BTW- Do you think I look fat already?

A: (pause. Turns on the mobile phone) Uhhh, on second thought Obi Wan... Did you just say Wookieland is great at this time of the year?


Scene 2: Adventures in Wookieland

Anakin, Obi Wan, R2D2, C3PO, Chewbacca and a younger harrison ford team up to save wookieland from the evil sith. Thirty minutes of Special effects later, the whole planet is freed! Camera zooms in to the Wookies who in gratitude, keep chanting and hang out large banners of the phrase...


Anakin: Arrrrggghhhh!!!!

Scene fades.

Yoda's Voice: Anger leads to hate.. hate leads to sufffffffering


Scene 3: Jedi Council

Mace Windu: Annie Skywalker, I believe it is time you earned the right to be a full-fledged Jedi Knight.

Anakin: It is ANAKIN! Not Annie.

M: Fine. Blah blah blah... the council wants you to be Emperor Palpatine's Bodyguard.

A: Really? That nice guy who in no way could be the evil lord of the Siths?

M: Yup. And dont worry we'll take care of Padme for you while you're there. As Always.
Yoda: Take good care of her we will. Trust us you can. Hmmm.

A: Uh, ok.


Scene 4: With Palpatine in his chamber

Palpatine: I sense that you are not truly happy being a Jedi.

Anakin: Tell me about it.

P: I see your fear. I see your doubts. And I offer you a chance to find what you are looking for.

A: Really? Can you change my name?

P: (Pause). I'll do more than that... (claps his hands)

Five strange queer-looking men enter the room.

P: Behold... the power of the FAB FIVE!!!

Queers: (swarm over Anakin) Ooohhh... you know, you could lose that stupid ponytail... Oh and Black is in Vogue right now. All black will be cool. especially with plastic.

A: ...

Queer1: Lose the wussy voice. Try something more manly, like James Earl Jones for example. And breath heavily. It adds to the raw sexuality of a bad guy.

A: Uhh... How about my name?

Queer2: Annie is good. Right guys?

A: I HATE ANNIEEE!!!!! (Uses THE FORCE to rip out the insides of Queer Guy #3)

Queer 2: On second thought, Darth something is always nice. How about Darth Annie?

A: (uses THE FORCE to rip out the insides of queer guy #4)

Q2: Darth RaideR? VAder? Yeah! Vader is cool!

A: Ok.

Palpatine: I will give you this... all of this... ... if you join us in... THE DARK SIDE

A: So no one will call me annie again?

P: Yes! No one will ever call you annie again. Plus I'd remodel your Death Star too if you want. Hmm... Id have given you dance and culinary lessons, but you fried the two queers.

A: Well, theyre pretty much useless anyway. The only cool ones are the ones that actually give the makeover and the remodeling....

P: Oh well. So you will join us then? I'll throw in a whole new wardrobe for free if you join now.

A: Deal.


Scene 5: Darth Vader is talking to palpatine

Darth Vader: Kill the Jedi? Why?

Palpatine: It is your duty as sith.

D: No way. Mace is my friend. And Yoda's so cool levitating and talking funny like that.

P: Then i have no choice. I must tell you a dark secret.

D: ?

P: Padme had an affair with one of the Jedi Knights. The child she is carrying is not yours.

D: WHAT???!!!!! THAT BITCH!!!

P: Yes. My sources say they saw her with Yoda and "playing with his lightsaber" (wink wink.)

D: You're lying! (pauses)
***Flashbacks to previous scenes:
Mace Windu: Yup. And dont worry we'll take care of Padme for you while you're there. As Always. (echoes in the background: As always.... as always...)

Yoda: Take good care of her we will. Trust us you can. Hmmm.
(echoes in the background: Hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... Zoom in on Yoda stroking his lightsaber)
***Flashback ends

D: YODA??!!! I cant believe it!

P: Well, now that you mention it, im not so sure who it was... But our spies were pretty sure it WAS a jedi with a blue light saber...



Scene 6: Darth Vader is attacking the council

OB Wan: Annie!! What are you doing?

Darth Vader: I am not ANNIE!!! I will kill yoda and all of you Jedi knights! Leave now Obi wan or i will kill you too!

OB Wan: (draws a BLUE light saber) Im sorry, Annie, but ill have to stop you.

Mace Windu: (Draws a BLUE light saber) If you want to go to yoda, you pass thru me.

Twenty other Jedi Masters (draw twenty other BLUE light sabers): And us!

Darth Vader: Bastards!! (Attacks all the Jedis)

30 minutes of Light Saber fighting later...

OB Wan: Ughhh cant stand (almost dies)

Mace windu: (dies)

Twenty other Jedi Masters: (dies)

DV: Thats what happens when you call me Annie!

(Darth Vader OST plays.)


Scene 7: Padme's Bedroom

Yoda: Hmmm. Great Anger I sense. Disruption in the Force, I fear.

Padme: Thats me in labor! Where the hell is Annnakin??!! I will kill him for doing this to me! (Gives birth to the twins)

Darth Vader crashes into the room and walks towards Padme.

Padme: Annie!!

DV: I am not Annie, you bitch!!! (uses force and throws Padme around the room)

Padme: Annie!! Why are you doing this??!!

DV: Shut up! So you like Yoda's light saber better than mine??!!

Yoda: (interrupts) Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hm? Mmmm. (draws a BLUE lightsaber)

A fight ensues between yoda and Darth Vader. Yoda, getting desperate, uses the Force to teleport baby Luke and Leia out of the bedroom and into the next trilogy. Padme, saves yoda by shielding him with her body. As Darth Vader deals the killing blow, Yoda flies out.

DV: Padme! Im sorry! What have I done??!

Padme: (Gurgles blood) I never had any affair with other Jedi knights!!!

DV: Nooooooooo!!!!

P: And those two children were yours!

DV: Nooooooooo!!!!

P: And you look like a moron in that mask!

DV: Nooooooooo!!!! (pause)

DV: Wait, It is better than the ponytail right?

P: Well yeah... Where was I? Oh yeah... You just killed any chance of me appearing in a bikini you idiot!!! (dies)


P: (looks up) Oh yeah. Look at your light saber.

(looks at his BLUE light saber)

DV: Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

Padme: (dies. for real)

And with that, the prequel ends. Darth Vader, now the only remaining Jedi knight besides OB Wan and Yoda becomes the most evil villain in the galaxy. The empire falls to the dark side and all hope is lost... until the next sequel... A NEW HOPE (duh)