A long long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away...
War! The prequels are crumbling under attacks of ruthless movie critics. They are zeroes on both flicks. The scripts are sucking everywhere.
In a stunning move, the great Director George Lucas,is planning to sew up the plot holes and kill off any characters that will never be seen in Episode 4.
As the intro goes on, two JEdi knights lead an action packed desperate mission to rescue the Star Wars series...
*Lots of action. In any case, the less Anakin talks, the better the scene*
Anakin and Obi-Wan are leading the Republic forces in an all out space battle. For some reason, Anakin does all the dirty work and Obi-wan looks like a total loser. But then they still make it to battleship carrying the hostage Palpatine.
Scene 2: Landing at the Battleship
Anakin and Obi-Wan land in the Trade Federation cruiser’s landing dock and enter the cruiser.
Obi wan: *Kills droids*
Anakin: *Kills more droids* Hmm.. I sense Count Dooku.
Obi Wan: I sense a trap... but then again that never stopped us before. Lets spring it!
Anakin: Ugh. Oh, R2. Take this comlink, which will mean you'll be absolutely defenseless if you hold this. And... Oh yeah stay here and guard the ship.
R2: Beeps. (subtitle: Oh shit...)
Scene 3: The Bridge
Grievous: Cough cough. What's the situation, Captain?
Captain: TWO Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay.
Grievous: Cough cough. Excellent. Just as Dooku predicted. Hand me my Turbohaler.
Scene 4: Hangar again
Anakin and Obi Wan fight their way through the battle cruiser.
R2: *Hides from big overgrown battle droids*
Obi wan and Anakin rush through the ship and kill more droids.
R2: *Cant hide from big overgrown battle droids*
Super battle droids: Come here you little bastard!
R2: *Pisses on battle droids*
Super battle droids: *Slips on the piss*
R2: *Beeps* (Subtitle: "Eat my dust, dust eaters") *turns on afterburners and runs away*
Super battle droids: *Burns up. Eats R2s dust*
Scene 5: Palpatine's Quarters
OB Wan: (bows) Chancellor.
Anakin: Are you all right?
Palpatine: Count Dooku. *Dooku Enters*
Get help! You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.
Obi Wan: Bah. Sith Lords are our specialty.
Anakin: Uh, Master, dont we get our ass kicked by the Sith each time?
*Lamest fight scene in prequel history ensues. Obi Wan DOES get his ass kicked and flops around like a rag doll. Anakin manages to slice off Dooku's hands*
Dooku: Oh shit.
Palpatine: Kill him.
Dooku: *Makes goo goo eyes*
Anakin: I cant! He's so cute...
Palpatine: Kill him!
Dooku: *Bats eyelashes*
Anakin: I cant! He's making me all warm and fuzzy inside...
Palpatine: Kill him!!!
Anakin: Ok. *Lops off Dooku's head*
Palpatine: See? That wasnt so bad. Doesnt it feel great?
Anakin: What do you want me to say? "Are you not entertained?!"
*Goes towards Ob wan. Background: Ship is exploding*
Anakin: Oh shit. Now I have to carry him through half the ship!
Palpatine: Leave him. We dont have time.
Anakin: No. His fate is the same as ours...
Palpatine:... Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot. WE WILL ALL APPEAR in the next TRILOGY.
*Anakin picks up OB wan like a rag doll*
Scene 6: Various shots throughout the ship.
Ship parts keep exploding and Anakin and Palpatine run towards the hangar bay. Obi wan is still a rag doll.
Scene 7: The trap
Droid flunkie: We found them! Theyre in hallway 328.
Grievous: Activate Time space warp.
Droid Flunkie: Ngayon din!
Suddenly Time Space warp surrounds the Jedi.
Voice Over: Ang time space warp ay...
George Lucas: Shut that thing up.
Voice over: Sorry.
Back to the Jedi...
Anakin: Arrgh! The Time Space Warp! Oldest trick in the book!
Obi Wan: Damn.
Anakin: Oh well. R2 will save our butts yet again anyway. See?
R2 comes running in.
Anakin: See? No problem.
R2: *Beeps* (Subtitle: You think you got problems?)
Battledroids storm the room and kick R2 down.
Obi Wan: Oh shit.
Scene 8: The bridge
Grievous: Ah. Obi wan, that wasnt much of a rescue. And Anakin. I thought you'd be much older.
Anakin: Screw you. You're much uglier than i expected.
Grievous: Jedi Scum! Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection (Shows a host of different lightsabers that will make Carmen Electra proud)
Obi Wan: Bastard! I wont let you take our lightsabers!
The jedi suddenly break free with R2's help. They start killing the droids while Grievous looks on.
Grievous: You lose Obi Wan! *Faces Obi Wan*
Pilot: Uh, General, the ship is exploding. And you dont have any more turbohalers...
Grievous: Damn. I gotta go. *Throws his staff at the glass window. It shatters and sucks everything out to space. Everything just breaks into total chaos.
And yeah, Grievous manages to crawl back to the ship and escape through a pod.*
Scene 9: Bridge
*Ship stabilizes a bit and the Jedi wipe out the remaining droids. They look out and see the ship crashing into a planet.*
Anakin: Great. All the escape pods are gone.
Obi Wan: Can you fly this thing?
Anakin: I have to. Otherwise, we cant appear in the next trilogy.
Obi Wan: Thats a relief.
Anakin: *Miraculously saves the day by crashlanding a 200-ton battleship into a runway the size of a sidestreet*
Scene 10: The landing
Everyone applauds the Jedi and the chancellor as they approach.
Anakin: Are you coming master?
Obi Wan: Nah. You go. You're the Jedi poster boy. And I've enough of theatrics after Moulin Rouge.
Anakin: Okay. *Walks around. Padme Appears*
Anakin: Padme! *Tries to kiss her*
Padme: Oooh. Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Anakin: It HAS been five months. Lets do it here!
Padme: We cant do it here. People shouldnt see us. Its a GP movie.
Anakin: Damn. Hmm... somethings different.
Padme: Im pregnant.
Anakin: *Stunned silence*
Padme: You're the father.
Anakin: Whew. Okay. Wow. Im so happy all of a sudden.
Padme: But anakin, what do we do?
Anakin: Dont worry. I'm sure me getting kicked out of the Jedi order and you being expelled from the Senate if anyone gets word of this wont be so bad.
Padme: Oh Anakin! Thats the sweetest thing I ever heard... *Hug, kiss, lapdance*
Scene 11: Some Conference Room
Darth sidius: Send the Separatist leaders to Mustafar.
Grievous: *Cough Cough* As you wish. And the death of Dooku?
Darth Sidius: A necessary loss. I have a much much more powerful apprentice in the making.
Audience: DARTH VADER!!!
Darth Sidius: Shhh. Anyway, go to Utapau. That should be good for your asthma.
Grievous: *Cough Cough* Thank you.
Scene 12: Padme's Apartments
Padme: *Sappy and Cheesy lines* Its only because Im so in love...
Anakin: *Sappy and Cheesy lines* No, its because IM so in love...
Audience member: Parang pinoy telenovelaaaah!
Scene 13: The dream
Padme: What is it?
Anakin: Im dreaming the same nightmares I did when my mommy died.
Padme: Whats the difference?
Anakin: *Woody acting* You were in it. You die in childbirth.
Padme: *Gasp!* Should we tell Obi Wan?
Anakin: No. Lets not. I'll find a way to save you from my nightmare.
Padme: Tried Valium?
Scene 14: Talking with Yoda
Yoda: Hmm... Close to you, someone is. Dead she will be?
Anakin: Er, not exactly, but yeah...
Yoda: If die she must, then die she will.
Anakin: You're not helping yoda.
Yoda: Mourn them do not, miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. Jealousy leads to greed. Greed leads to... Something... Something leads to fear. Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. Anger leads to... THE DARK SIDE.
Anakin: My heads starting to hurt master yoda... Everything seems to lead to the dark side.
Scene 15: Jedi Temple
Obi wan: The war is going well, but today, the senate will give the Chancellor the ability to declare martial law.
Anakin: So whats wrong?
Obi Wan: Be careful of your friend.
Anakin: Just because he asked me to kill an unarmed, pun unintended, Dooku doesnt mean he's a bad guy.
Obi wan: He has requested your presence. Its very unusual. In case you noticed, the relatons between the Jedi and the Chancellor are very stressed.
Anakin: Why the distrust. Where is the love?
Obi Wan: The force grows dark Anakin. Be wary of your feelings.
Scene 16: Palpatine and Anakin
Palpatine: This afternoon, the senate will ask me to take direct control of the Jedi Council.
Anakin: They wont report to the senate?
Palpatine: The will report to me. Personally.
Anakin: They wont like it. Anyway, I trust you because I know you're a really good guy who has the republic's best interests in mind.
Palpatine: Of course. I want you to do something, by the way.
Palpatine: I want you to be my spy there. You shall represent me in the Jedi Council.
Anakin: You mean I get to be the Jedi Master just like Master Yoda and Mace Windu??! Cool
Scene 17: The Jedi Council
Mace: We appoint you as part of the council... But not as a Jedi Master.
Anakin: WTF??!! Im part of a council but not a Jedi Master? What am I then? Chopped Liver?
Mace: Take a seat, young Skywalker!
Anakin: Sorry master.
Yoda: Under attack Wookie land is. Relations with Wookies I have. Liberate them I will.
Obi Wan: He is right! We can't afford to lose Wookieland or Chewbacca cant appear in the next sequel. I'll go after Grievous.
Mace: Its decided then. Yoda goes to wookieland, Obi Wan goes after Grievous, and Anakin... well, you stay here.
Scene 18: Anakin and Obi wan are talking
Anakin: WTF was that all about? I'm the greatest Jedi that ever lived, but not only am I not a Master, but im forced to stay here while you guys have all the action. I tell you, yoda's getting to be a real Pointy-haired boss!
Obiwan: Thats office politics for you. Anyway, I have a task for you.
Anakin: ...this sounds familiar.
Obi Wan: We want you to spy on the Chancellor.
Scene 19: Padme's residence
Anakin: *light banter*
Padme: I heard about your new role Anakin. Im so proud of you.
Anakin: I may be on the council... but im not yet a master. They still treat me as if I were a Padawan learner...
Anakin: Im starting not to like the Jedi...
Padme: Have you considered we may be on the wrong side? What if the Republic's become evil...?
Anakin: Nah. There is no way that Palpatine could be bad.
Padme: Oh Anakin! Thats the sweetest thing I ever heard... *Hug, kiss, lapdance*
Scene 20: Palpatine watching a movie
Anakin: You wanted to see me Chancellor?
Palpatine: Yes. I have good news. We found out where Grievous is hiding!
Anakin: Great! Now to capture him...
Palpatine: Wait. Tell me. Did the jedi want you to betray me?
Palpatine: They asked you to spy on me right?
Palpatine: Do you still think the Jedi are good.
Anakin: ...Jedi are good. Sith bad.
Palpatine: Good is a point of view. the Sith and Jedi are the same. They believe in security and justice. Only, the Sith are stronger because of the Dark side. Does that make them... bad?
Anakin: Head hurts... Dark Side... cannot be good.
Palpatine: The Dark side can save people from dying. There was one Sith Lord who mastered this art.
Anakin: He can save people from death?
Palpatine: The dark side of the force is a pathway to many powers... Good powers.
Anakin: Yes. That cant be bad... Where can I learn that?
Palpatine: Not from a Jedi.
Scene 21: Jedi Council
Anakin: Grievous is in Utapau.
Yoda: Act on this, we must.
Anakin: The Chancellor requested I lead the attack.
Mace windu: *Peeved* The council will make up its own mind on who to go.
Yoda: A master is needed, with more experience.
Mace: Lets send Obi wan
Anakin: But Dooku and Grievous kicked his ass the last time...
Obi Wan: *snarl*
Yoda: Obi wan, my choice is.
Scene 22: Wookieland
The wookies engage the Droid separatists. Great action follows.
In the meantime, Obi wan drops by Padme's Apartment, after which Anakin see's Obi Wan off to Utapau. Anakin checks on Padme once he gets back.
Scene 23: Utapau
Obi Wan lands his ship and the local chief Tion Medon greets him.
Tion Medon: Greetings young Jedi. What brings you to our obviously peaceful and happy planet?
Obi Wan: Im looking for Grievous.
Tion Medon: *whisper* He's up there. 10th floor. Thousands of battle droids... but you can take on him on your own.
Obi Wan: *whispers* Thanks for the info. Tell your people to hide.
*Obi Wan hides. The ship takes off on autopilot. Enemy spies think he's gone and go back to normal. Meanwhile Obi wan creeps around the place on a weird lizard thingie. He finds Grievous, who is coincidentally surrounded by a gazillion droids and suddenly jumps down on him.*
Obi Wan: Hello there!
Grievous: You got balls kenobi! Get him droids!
Obi Wan: *Kills droids*
Grievous: Enough of this! *Faces obi wan*
Obi Wan: *Kills more droids*
Grievous: Back Away. His ass is mine!
Obi wAn: Your move.
Grievous uncovers his cloak and shows FOUR light sabers! He twirls them around and attacks Obi Wan. Kick-ass light saber battle ensues.
Obi Wan cuts of hand after hand of General Grievous until the Clone troops jump in and kill more droids.
Grievous: No fair! You were never this good before this scene!
Obi Wan: Ha! I only suck when Anakin's around!
Grievous: Damn. I have to get away from him...
Grievous then beats a hasty retreat. Obi Wan follows on his weird lizard but drops his light saber.
Scene 24: Palpatine's Office:
Anakin: Chancellor, we just received a report that Obi Wan is actually kicking Grievous' Ass.
Palpatine: You should be there. But they dont trust you. The Force is too strong in you.
Anakin: How do you know this?
Palpatine: I know the ways of the force. Both Sides.
Palpatine: The dark side ain't that bad you know...
Palpatine: In case you still havent noticed, I'm Darth Sidius.
Anakin: OMG! You're a Sith Lord! I'll turn you over!
Palpatine: Remember I have the power to save Padme...
Anakin: Arrgghh! Indecision... Head hurts... *Leaves*
*In the meantime, Obi Wan is chasing down General Grievous. For some weird reason, his four legged dragon somehow outran the high-speed mono-cycle Grievous was using.
Since both dont have light sabers, they engage in hand to hand combat. Grievous of course is harder than Obi wan, but Obi learns that only after he tries kicking Grievous. After a couple more bouts of pain, he decides to use a laser pistol he found lying on the ground to fire at Grievous' unprotected lung. Grievous dies.*
Scene 25: Mace Windu's office
Anakin: Master Windu. I just discovered the Chancellor is a sith lord!
Windu: A sith lord?!
Anakin: The one we've been looking for.
Windu: Then we have to go. Quickly.
Anakin: Lets go.
Windu: Dont get involved.
*Mace Windu grabs 3 jedi flunkies and prepare to arrest Palpatine*
Windu: In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you are under arrest Palpatine.
Palpatine: I dare you.
Windu: *ignites light saber*
3 jedi flunkies: *ignite light sabers*
Palapatine: *ignites light saber. Attacks.*
3 Jedi Flunkies: *Die*
Mace and Palpatine have a helluva battle. Finally, Mace corners Palpatine.
Mace: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? *Holds Palpatine at Light Saber Point*
Palpatine: Anakin! Help me!
Mace Windu: Dont look at him.
Palpatine: *Makes goo goo eyes*
Anakin: Dont Kill him mace!
Mace: He's too dangerous to be kept alive! I said, don't look at him!!
Palpatine: *Bats eyelashes* Save me Anakin!
Anakin: Argh. Head hurts... Warm fuzzy feeling again... *Suddenly slices Mace windu's hands*
Palpatine: *Fries Mace windu and he flies out the window and falls down to his death*
Anakin: Oh shit. What have I done?!
Palpatine: No turning back now kiddo.
Anakin: Ok. *kneels* I pledge alliance to the Sith. And, uh, help me save Padme OK?
Palpatine: Rise, Darth Vader.
*Yoda is seen having a heart attack*
Scene 26: Chancellors office
Palpatine: Now for the fun part. We will terminate all Jedi that do not appear in the next Trilogy.
Palpatine: First, we massacre the jedi in the Jedi temple. NExt we'll activate a secret order I gave to all clone troops that will make them turn against any Jedi Master they're currently working with.
Anakin: Ok. I'll start with the Jedi temple...
Scene 27: Various Cutscenes
Palpatine gives the order to all his clone troops. They shoot all jedi except Yoda and Obi Wan point blank at the back.
Sample scene: Jedi Knight with a horde of Clone Troops
Jedi: Get behind me!!! I shall concentrate all my powers on the enemy, so make sure nobody fires at me from the blind spot at my back.
Clone troops: Yes sir! *Gets behind the Jedi*
Jedi: *Makes sure everyone is behind him* Lets go!!!
Palpatine's voice: Execute Order 66
Clone troops: *Concentrated fire at Jedi*
Jedi: WTf??!!! *Dies*
Obi Wan is fired with a rocket launcher and falls into a lake, but survives.
Yoda, barely surviving a series of heart attacks still gets to kick the asses of his assassins. The wookies help yoda escape by letting him piggyback on one of them.
zooms in on a wookie.
Audience: Its Chewbacccaaaaaa!!!
Yoda: Goodbye Chewbacca and Tarrful. Miss you I will.
Chewbacca: *Barks* (Subtitle: