Warning: Adult language and potentially offensive material. This post was done on a BAD day. Believe me.
What if these happened instead in the Iraqi Hostage Crisis?
Scene 1: Saudi Arabia
Boss : Okay, Angelo, your next assignment is delivering goods to the war-torn country of Iraq.
Angelo : Iraq? No way dude. They'd kidnap me and chop my head off.
Boss : I'll double your salary.
Angelo : Tang ina mo.
Boss : Excuse me?
Angelo : i said, its still not worth it. I love my head.
Boss : Okay. TRIPLE your salary.
Boss: Tang ina mo.
Angelo : Well, since you put it quite nicely... Okay.
Scene 2: The Iraqi Highway
Iraqi Masked Man1 (IMM1) - F*cking bulgarians didnt even flinch
IMM2 : Yeah. Those koreans too. I tell you Ahmed, this hostage taking doesn't pay.
IMM1 : Shh. Dont call me by my first name. The american spies are everywhere.
IMM2 : Sorry Ahmed.
IMM1 : *glares at him* Hey! Whats that! It's a truck from Saudi!
IMM2 : What luck! The driver's a Filipino. They are America's biggest ally in the South Pacific! Lets Get him!
*Struggle happens. The Iraqi Masked men grab Angelo from the truck, beat senseless and tie him up.*
Scene 3: The Iraqi Hideout
IMM1 : Are you awake?
Angelo : Tang ina nyo!
IMM2 : *slaps angelo* i didnt like the way you said it. What does that mean?
Angelo : Good morning. In Filipino.
IMM1 : Oh, sorry.
Scene 4: A worldwide broadcast from the Iraqi hideout
IMM1 : People of the philippines. Behold, we have in our hands one of your sons, Angelo dela Cruz.
Filipino Public : *Gasps!*
IMM1 : We want freedom for our country. We also want to chop off this man's head. But we are reasonable. Withdraw your vast horde of infidels staying indefinitely from our motherland or else...
*IMM2 whispers in IMM1 's ear. IMM's eyes light up.
IMM1 : My mistake. Withdraw your measly fifty-one troops who im sure would not be able to make a dent in the US offense, one month ahead of schedule or we shall chop his bloody head off! We shall give you two days to decide. *Pause* Tang Ina nyo.
Scene 5: Presidential Palace
*President GMA is holding her phone in one hand and talking animatedly with the person on the other line
GMA: No, of course we will not give in to their demands. Terrorism is an act the Philippine government does not encourage. Rest assured, we will never pull out our troops. And yes, I know the extremes to which you guys will do if we chicken out.
*Mike Arroyo enters the room. GMA Puts down the phone and sighs
Mike: Hi hon, who was that on the phone? George Bush?
GMA : Jay Leno
Scene 6: 4 hours later at a Radio station
Commentator : And you believe we should pull out of Iraq?
Bishop: Yes. It is immoral that we are there in the first place. They should save the life of that man. Screw the americans!
Commentator : Er... Wouldn't that give the wrong message? They are terrorists after all?
Bishop: No we shall show them that the Filipino people values life above such petty things as keeping promises, alliances and not negotiating with terrorists.
Commentator: You do know that the last bishop would have said "Let us pray for wisdom in these dark times" and light up candles and set up large prayer rallies for Angelo.
Bishop: Screw him. I'm bishop now.
Erap: *in the background* Ibagsak si GMA!
Scene 7: The Iraqi Hideout
*IMM is talking animatedly on the phone
IMM1 : You pull out or we cut off his head!
Voice on the Phone (VOP) : Can we at least talk to him so we know he's alive?
IMM1 : Ok *Gives the phone to angelo
VOP : How are you angelo?
Angelo : Tang ina mo.
IMM1: *chuckles* Idiot. It's evening in the philippines
VOP : Magsasalita ako sa tagalog para hindi nila alam ang sasabihin mo.
Angelo : Ayoko na dito! Ambaho baho, ndi naliligo tong mga to. Gusto ko nang mamatay!
VOP : *pause* Hmmm... Nasaan ka. Ipapasalvage natin yan sa mga kaibigan nating Kano. Walang kwenta mga pinadala natin dito e.
Angelo : Ayus. nandito ako sa 911 Iraqi Hideout, Baghdad Drive.
VOP : Ayus.
IMM1 : Are you done?
VOP: Yes. We will pull out. Tang Ina mo.
IMM2: It's Good Evening. idiot.
Scene 8: 4 hours later at another Radio Station
Commentator: ...and we have confirmed that malacanang been getting very good results with the negotiations.
Angelo's relative (AR): I dont believe that. They should tell us what is happening. We shouldn't have news black outs. The country NEEDS to know what GMA will do.
Commentator: ...but it will hamper the negotiations and probably endanger the hostage.
AR: Basta! We need to know! Yadda Yadda. We need to know!
Erap : *in the background* Ibagsak si GMA!
Scene 9: 2 hrs later in malacanang
*GMA is preparing a broadcast for nationwide TV
GMA: Good evening my countrymen. I would like to update you on what my legitimate government is doing for Angelo who will be my representative when i give the SONA next week. There will be no pull out. I repeat. There will be no pullout. We have pinpointed their hide out at...
...911 Iraqi Hideout, Baghdad Drive. American strike teams are now on the way to exterminate them... Salamat. Pagpapapatayin natin ang mga gagong yon. Mabuhay tayong lahat. Mabuhay ako. Ang galing ko talaga.
Scene 10: The Iraqi hideout
*The iraqis are looking at the TV broadcast from manila
IMM2: What do u mean, Ahmed, when you say that I have a red dot on my forehead?