Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Austin Pickuplines... (soon to be soloflite pickup lines hehe)

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes. (Useful, useful...hehehe)

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? (Must try this one out sometime...)

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. (this too)

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.

9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could rideyou all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. (...or "It said PRESS!")

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. (Im not even sure if this is a pickup line!)

15. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. (Good point. Girls like frankness sometimes...)

18. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

19. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

20. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

21. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

22. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. (Man, this would really sweep her off her feet)

23. Baby, I'm an American Express shouldn't go home without me.

24. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

The Angel Xero Chronicles - Chapter 4

Michael the Archangel's Office

"You do know why you are here, do you not, Xero?"

Xero squirmed miserably. Michael the Archangel, sworn defender of humanity, bane of all things evil, did not dwell on pleasantries.

"Im not exactly sure, Archangel."

Michael's eyes studied Xero's face for a moment. Angels are incapable of lying, but then again, nobody can stop them from giving half-truths.

"You've always been creative in the past Xero. I personally applaud some of your ingenious tricks. Your style of saving Soloflite from certain excruciatingly painful death such as lightning storms, earthquakes, gas explosions and throngs of Ateneans after an Archer win is commendible at the least."

"And those times, where you got down and dirty to disguise yourself as a passing motorist to help him when his car broke down or a wandering guide to show him the right path when he idiotically decided to leave a map behind was praised even among us Archangels."

"But once in a while, Xero, once in a while, you overstep your bounds." The Archangel's eyes darkened as he looked at Xero. "You performed a Simulacrum."

Xero suppressed a shudder. So this was what this meeting was all about: The Simulacrum is one of the most secret techniques in the angelic world.

A complex spell for creating mistaken identities, it switches the immediate destinies of two people by making the first person appear as if he were the Second person to everyone else. Thus it has been used sparingly throughout the ages to either save important historical figures from certain death, or to connect two predestined souls together.

Definitely not the way he used it last weekend.

"I saw no reason to do that Xero. While we may allow you the freedom to choose how to complete your tasks without asking us Archangels for approval, it does not give you an excuse to show off your power unnecessarily."

"Mi'lord, I was entrusted to protect the life of my ward..."

"Yes, yes, I know the story" Michael said with his eyes rolling. It was no secret that even Michael did not understand why He gave Xero this task.

"Protect Soloflite. Keep him from any physical harm. Shield him from anything that would cause permanent disfigurement, mental instability, or irreparable braindamage..."

"...BUT nowhere does it say to keep him away from wandering middle-aged matrons."

"She would have picked him up... and danced the swing Mi'Lord."

"And just WHY", an eyebrow went up, "would that be a good reason to use a Simulacrum?"

"The song would end just as they approached the dance floor, Mi'Lord. The next song would scar him for life..."

"And that song being..?" Now Michael was curious. A single song that would make this angel use one of the most secret Angel techniques.

"It's Raining Men" Xero whispered.

The Archangel found himself suddenly smiling.

"It is the GAYest song ever known Mi'Lord." continued Xero. "And theres another thing...

"The whole thing was captured on video. By their friends."

"And Lifebunny, the person who I swapped his destiny with, was caught smiling and singing along with the song the whole time."

Michael wiped the grin from his face. Just like Xero to be overprotective... but this WAS warranted. Somehow.

"And this Lifebunny? How is he now?"

"Terrible Mi'Lord. He now has a new nickname. And the video is circulating throughout the internet"

Michael sighed. Poor sap, unluckily for him, he was standing next to Soloflite and his ever-thoughtful guardian angel.

"Arrange to have him leave the country. Let him start out another life in some boring humorless suburb in some uncreative new country where no one knows about his history... or anything about Raining Men."

"At once, Mi'Lord."


To my friend and co-conspirator, Richard "Lifebunny/SaddisticWombat/100-Siomai-Man/It's Raining Men" Cua...

Godspeed in your Singaporean tour of duty.

And dont mind the .MPEGs circulating all around. :P