Monday, May 09, 2005

The secret script of Star Wars EPISODE THREE

(Due to popular StarWars demand... I now publish this post once again...)
Opening Scene: The Skywalker Household


Annakin: What??!!! You're Pregnant??!!


Padme: Yes my love. It all happened when...


A: But... This is the last of the prequels. How the hell can you top Princess Leia in a bikini in that condition??!


(suddenly Obi wan calls Annakin on his 3D Mobile phone)

A: Yes OB Wan?


OB: Annie, the planet of Wookieland is under attack from the evil sith!


A: It is ANNAKIN! Cut out the annie stuff. And what the hell are we supposed to do in Wookieland?


OB: We need to get Chewbacca in the plot in this movie or else we have no way to explain why Harrison Ford was cavorting with an overgrown terrier.


A: Screw the wookies. Nothing can convince me to join you in a reckless attempt to save a remote backwater planet from hordes of evil heavily armed drones. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. (closes hologram)


P: Thats nice dear. I need someone to talk to while im I get all these headaches, bad moods, irritating whining and all. BTW- Do you think I look fat already?


A: (pause. Turns on the mobile phone) Uhhh, on second thought Obi Wan... Did you just say Wookieland is great at this time of the year?

__________________


Scene 2: Adventures in Wookieland


Anakin, Obi Wan, R2D2, C3PO, Chewbacca and a younger harrison ford team up to save wookieland from the evil sith. Thirty minutes of Special effects later, the whole planet is freed! Camera zooms in to the Wookies who in gratitude, keep chanting and hang out large banners of the phrase...








THANK YOU ANNIE!!!


Anakin: Arrrrggghhhh!!!!


Scene fades.

Yoda's Voice: Anger leads to hate.. hate leads to sufffffffering

__________________


Scene 3: Jedi Council


Mace Windu: Annie Skywalker, I believe it is time you earned the right to be a full-fledged Jedi Knight.


Anakin: It is ANAKIN! Not Annie.


M: Fine. Blah blah blah... the council wants you to be Emperor Palpatine's Bodyguard.


A: Really? That nice guy who in no way could be the evil lord of the Siths?


M: Yup. And dont worry we'll take care of Padme for you while you're there. As Always.
Yoda: Take good care of her we will. Trust us you can. Hmmm.

A: Uh, ok.


__________________

Scene 4: With Palpatine in his chamber


Palpatine: I sense that you are not truly happy being a Jedi.


Anakin: Tell me about it.


P: I see your fear. I see your doubts. And I offer you a chance to find what you are looking for.


A: Really? Can you change my name?


P: (Pause). I'll do more than that... (claps his hands)


Five strange queer-looking men enter the room.


P: Behold... the power of the FAB FIVE!!!


Queers: (swarm over Anakin) Ooohhh... you know, you could lose that stupid ponytail... Oh and Black is in Vogue right now. All black will be cool. especially with plastic.


A: ...


Queer1: Lose the wussy voice. Try something more manly, like James Earl Jones for example. And breath heavily. It adds to the raw sexuality of a bad guy.


A: Uhh... How about my name?


Queer2: Annie is good. Right guys?


A: I HATE ANNIEEE!!!!! (Uses THE FORCE to rip out the insides of Queer Guy #3)


Queer 2: On second thought, Darth something is always nice. How about Darth Annie?


A: (uses THE FORCE to rip out the insides of queer guy #4)


Q2: Darth RaideR? VAder? Yeah! Vader is cool!


A: Ok.


Palpatine: I will give you this... all of this... ... if you join us in... THE DARK SIDE


A: So no one will call me annie again?


P: Yes! No one will ever call you annie again. Plus I'd remodel your Death Star too if you want. Hmm... Id have given you dance and culinary lessons, but you fried the two queers.


A: Well, theyre pretty much useless anyway. The only cool ones are the ones that actually give the makeover and the remodeling....


P: Oh well. So you will join us then? I'll throw in a whole new wardrobe for free if you join now.


A: Deal.


___________________

Scene 5: Darth Vader is talking to palpatine


Darth Vader: Kill the Jedi? Why?


Palpatine: It is your duty as sith.


D: No way. Mace is my friend. And Yoda's so cool levitating and talking funny like that.


P: Then i have no choice. I must tell you a dark secret.


D: ?


P: Padme had an affair with one of the Jedi Knights. The child she is carrying is not yours.


D: WHAT???!!!!! THAT BITCH!!!


P: Yes. My sources say they saw her with Yoda and "playing with his lightsaber" (wink wink.)

D: You're lying! (pauses)
***Flashbacks to previous scenes:
Mace Windu: Yup. And dont worry we'll take care of Padme for you while you're there. As Always. (echoes in the background: As always.... as always...)

Yoda: Take good care of her we will. Trust us you can. Hmmm.
(echoes in the background: Hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... Zoom in on Yoda stroking his lightsaber)
***Flashback ends

D: YODA??!!! I cant believe it!


P: Well, now that you mention it, im not so sure who it was... But our spies were pretty sure it WAS a jedi with a blue light saber...


D: THOSE BASTARDS!!! I WILL KILL THEM ALL!!! (Storms out)


____________________

Scene 6: Darth Vader is attacking the council


OB Wan: Annie!! What are you doing?


Darth Vader: I am not ANNIE!!! I will kill yoda and all of you Jedi knights! Leave now Obi wan or i will kill you too!


OB Wan: (draws a BLUE light saber) Im sorry, Annie, but ill have to stop you.


Mace Windu: (Draws a BLUE light saber) If you want to go to yoda, you pass thru me.


Twenty other Jedi Masters (draw twenty other BLUE light sabers): And us!


Darth Vader: Bastards!! (Attacks all the Jedis)


30 minutes of Light Saber fighting later...


OB Wan: Ughhh cant stand (almost dies)


Mace windu: (dies)


Twenty other Jedi Masters: (dies)


DV: Thats what happens when you call me Annie!


(Darth Vader OST plays.)

___________________

Scene 7: Padme's Bedroom


Yoda: Hmmm. Great Anger I sense. Disruption in the Force, I fear.


Padme: Thats me in labor! Where the hell is Annnakin??!! I will kill him for doing this to me! (Gives birth to the twins)


Darth Vader crashes into the room and walks towards Padme.


Padme: Annie!!


DV: I am not Annie, you bitch!!! (uses force and throws Padme around the room)


Padme: Annie!! Why are you doing this??!!


DV: Shut up! So you like Yoda's light saber better than mine??!!


Yoda: (interrupts) Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hm? Mmmm. (draws a BLUE lightsaber)


A fight ensues between yoda and Darth Vader. Yoda, getting desperate, uses the Force to teleport baby Luke and Leia out of the bedroom and into the next trilogy. Padme, saves yoda by shielding him with her body. As Darth Vader deals the killing blow, Yoda flies out.


DV: Padme! Im sorry! What have I done??!


Padme: (Gurgles blood) I never had any affair with other Jedi knights!!!


DV: Nooooooooo!!!!


P: And those two children were yours!


DV: Nooooooooo!!!!


P: And you look like a moron in that mask!


DV: Nooooooooo!!!! (pause)


DV: Wait, It is better than the ponytail right?


P: Well yeah... Where was I? Oh yeah... You just killed any chance of me appearing in a bikini you idiot!!! (dies)


DV: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!!


P: (looks up) Oh yeah. Look at your light saber.


(looks at his BLUE light saber)


DV: Noooooooooooooooo!!!!


Padme: (dies. for real)


And with that, the prequel ends. Darth Vader, now the only remaining Jedi knight besides OB Wan and Yoda becomes the most evil villain in the galaxy. The empire falls to the dark side and all hope is lost... until the next sequel... A NEW HOPE (duh)

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahahaha!!!!

now this pretty much explains "the dork side"

good one man :)

akira

Dominique said...

Thank you very much for saving me my P150. I like this version better than what George Lucas would produce.

Trebs said...

Haha! What a way to break the silence. Flash version? Hmm... maybe I can help with that. Hanap tayo ng magaling mag-draw.

aimee rae said...

Funny!

transience said...

hahahahahaha! god, i almost had an aneurysm there.

banzai cat said...

I knew the wookies were behind the creation of Darth Vader! I just knew it!

Jac said...

Uy! Bakit bitin? :D

de Villa said...

hahahah, that is HI-larious!!

Now thats a nice parody, good one

solo flite said...

akira - yeah. hehehe

Dom: hmm... you COULD give me the 150 you know ;)

Trebs: Pwede pwede :D

Aimee/Transcience: Thanks!

Banzai: Hahaha yes they were!

Jac: Fixed it na! There was a glitch in blogger that messed up the first version.

DeVil: thanks! Im getting the hang of twisting reality for my own purposes hehe

Jonas Diego said...

Ha ha ha! This would make a great comic book. :)

Sedricke said...

You just became my favorite blogger mr. solo! (hans solo? LOL!) this one hilarious post! keep on writing! :D

Jennie said...

hahaha! i told you your ost is gonna turn out well :p it's funny, my boss kept looking at me coz I was laughing. muntik na ako mahuli, hahaha! TC!

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahaha this is good stuff. if i know flash i'd make a flash version myself :-)

allister
http://allister.is-a-geek.com/

Mec said...

err.. pardon my ignorance... but what's with the blue light sabers?

Daryl said...

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

damn, you're good.

-rache_hell

wanggo said...

Funny, funny, funny. Careful, you better hide this site. If Lucas sees it, he might just get ideas. We all know how desperate he is... ;) Made my day.

the NBA Addict said...

haha! tapos submit mo sa flash sites like newgrounds.com. But i'd bet you'd get a lotta email about the purple lightsaber of windu...

iba ka talaga abo!

Dominique said...

Uh-oh, I smell a lawsuit coming....

Ramil said...

incredibly funny. :D you're whack!

cat-ing-ka said...

i read this from beginning to end!

positively hilarious!

you made my night! :)

cat :)

Anonymous said...

That is just hilarious! BTW, what's with the blue lightsaber thing? I'm guessing it has something to do with the "other" school. Cause the only other lightsaber colors, as far as I can remember, are red... and green. :P

Locke
http://locke.oflightanddark.com/

solo flite said...

Jonas: I was planning to... but im too tamad hehe

Sedrick: Darth Solo sounds nice too :)

Jennie: Antayin mo umalis bago ka pumunta sa site ko :P

Alister/Ringithion: Thanks!

Mec/Locke/Wilf: Its a random thing on the "blue" lightsabers :) I didnt do my jedi research hehe and yeah mace windu DID have a purple one... IF I do make a comic/flash version, ill fix up that minor detail. Somehow :)

Rache: I know, i know :P

Wanggo: If the Fab Five DOES show up in episode 3, I'm ready to sue :D

Dom: yeah. IF the Fab Five do show up :P

Ramil: Noon pa :P

Catingka: nothing makes my night better than when pretty girls say "You made my night" :)

Jac said...

I'd love to draw for this, but i don't know flash. If you wanna see samples of my art go here: http://jactinglim.deviantart.com

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