Monday, September 26, 2005
It's like an extended Adrian day (to those unfamiliar with this term, it's that one day, the 24th of september, each year where absolutely nothing can go wrong for me. True, it may be psychological, but hey, it's still MY DAY.)
For the past few days I have been experiencing an almost complete reversal of Murphy's law. I feel like I could do nothing wrong, like Michael Jordan at the top of his game, or Mike Tyson before he started chomping on his opponents ears.
I'm in the zone. This is my month. My Year.
Last Sunday, the Archers went up against the Eagles with all their guns blazing and just blew em away. Again.
But no. This post is NOT about how LaSalle was able to claw its way back from the final four grave, nor how the great Ateneo Blue Eagles were brought crashing down from the sky, nor on how LaSalle repeatedly humiliated the whole Ateneo community on national TV.
Nope. This post is about Me.
Not to say that MY DAY is perfect. Not really.
For the first time since i could remember, it was raining hard on my birthday, I had a bit of a flu, and the bottle of champagne I opened that day was just awful.
But hey, thats not the point.
Point was I had fun, gorging on a steak dinner with my family, had a great time watching Footloose (kudos to you guys! Jay-R was great, Iya was H-O-T!! RRRrrrrRRrrrrRrrr HOT!!!) and had slices of each of JAck Loft's top cakes.
I was out to celebrate and nothing could keep me from enjoying myself.
Last week, I got a surprise call from the GM's secretary. She asked that I go to the GM's office urgently. With a capital U.
A bit unsure, and fearing the worst, I dropped by and to my surprise, there was the GM, grinning broadly. Apparently, I just won an certain internal competition and was being awarded my brand new iPod!
Of course, I just had a quick pictorial, grabbed my iPod and almost forgot about the letter of congratulations from our ASEAN GM that came with it.
Seriously, im no musical enthusiast, but i'm happy.
I never won more than a few thousand pesoses worth of gift certificates from any raffle or contest and here I was holding a new iPod with my name engraved on it.
Life's best surprises really do come in mini little packages.
Finally, earlier this month, my boss talked to me quite seriously. He asked me if I remembered about the lunch we had earlier this year wherein I outlined my whole 5-year plan from 2005 to 2010 and how I planned to move from where I am now, to the top of my list.
Well, he remembered. And told me he just recommended me for a move up to the position I outlined as my target in 2007.
And it got approved. Effective October 1, 2005.
I seriously didnt know how to react, but picking up my jaw from the floor seemed correct at that time. Considering that last year was one of the most difficult and trying times I've ever had in my career, this sudden godsend was just totally unexpected.
Finally, things are looking up!!!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Actually, it was a pretty exciting match. It was a close fight, with the Eagles going neck to neck against the Archers pretty much all throughout the game. They fought hard for each and every possession, creating run after run that made the crowd go wild.
Until Lasalle scored the first basket, that is.
Ateneo should change their "One Big Fight" Slogan
..."Roll Over and Die" seems more appropriate
Then again, they ARE improving.
They only lost by 17 points now.
Which means, next time they might even threaten to lose by only a single digit.
It was pretty impressive though, their match against FEU. They basically manhandled the taller team.
But for some reason, their big guys couldn't seem to match up to the smaller Archer squad.
Norman Black must be pretty pissed at how easily his protege Franz Pumaren outweaseled him.
I realized this during the halftime cheering break.
Is Ateneo the only PEP squad that doesnt have scantily clad, leggy female cheerleaders cavorting all around the court? They instead have a squad of male pep squad members and another squad of little boys doing Mini-Mes of the first squad.
No wonder their players arent inspired.
Well... except of course, the Pep squad's target audience.
I mean, they even replaced hottie Chinnie Canievel with whatshername.
Sigh. No more reason to watch ateneo games on TV.
Im sure of this: They have the referees in their hip pockets.
There was one instance of an idiotic Ateneo player bumping into a stationary Junjun Cabatu (think tennis ball hitting a brick wall) . Guess what? The referee slapped a foul on Cabatu.
Then in the spirit of the moment, Ryan Arana suddenly dances to the beat of "Go Lasalle! Go Go Lasalle Lasalle"... The referees immediately slap a technical foul on him.
I mean, who else would get offended besides pro-Ateneo flunkies?
Anyway, theres still a chance for at least another Ateneo-Lasalle matchup. Im not sure, but if i do the math correctly, there are three possible matchups for the Final 4, depending on who wins in the DLSU-UE match.
If Lasalle wins vs UE by more than 2 points, the final 4 will be:
DLSU vs ADMU (DLSU with twice to beat advantage)
FEU vs UE (FEU with twice to beat advantage)
If Lasalle wins vs UE by only 1-2 points:
UE vs DLSU (UE with twice to beat advantage)
FEU vs ADMU (FEU with twice to beat advantage)
If DLSU loses to UE, the final 4 will be:
UE vs ADMU (UE with twice to beat advantage)
FEU vs DLSU (FEU with twice to beat advantage)
In these last two cases, DLSU and ADMU must beat FEU and UE respectively so that we could all enjoy another DLSU-ADMU championship matchup (and another DLSU Championship hehe)
Fun fun fun. Araneta still has a chance to make a killing. Wonder how the UE game will turn up :)
Monday, August 15, 2005
Last weekend, my stateside-based tito, tita and cousins visited us for a family reunion.
Showing the usual filipino style hospitality, our family offered to treat them to the best of our native delicacies.
Typically, pinoy cooking can be summed up as follows: The more cholesterol, the better. Roasted pork, molten sebo, deepfried parts, or basically anything that sizzles and crackles and your meal is good to go. Heck, even our veggie dishes are full of oil, meat or chicharon.
However, this post is not about the typical pinoy cooking.
For some reason, my Dad suddenly had a craving for something... exotic. Yes. Something more exotic than even balut (steamylicious aborted baby duck eaten in its shell) and dinuguan (chewy pork liver bits in blood stew)...
He craved sawa (python), bayawak (monitor lizard) and locust. Deep fried of course (Best with san miguel). And to my horror, my Tito agreed.
Thus we found ourselves on the way to Balaw Balaw restaurant in Angono, Rizal, the most famous source of these holy grails of Filipino food. Angono, by the way, is commonly called the Artist's town because of its colorful culture (not just Balaw balaw), and because a lot of Filipino National Artists took up residence there.
However, this post is not about the Balaw Balaw restaurant nor the quaint little town of Angono.
This post is about Jeepneys. Yep. The icons of Filipino ingeniuity, whose very drivers have transcended the limits of multi-tasking by not only texting while driving but also looking each passenger in the eye (via the rearview window), coordinating where each one should sit, counting change by the use of touch alone, and with his free hand, smoking out the window.
Of course, with everything else going on, something's gotta give. Jeepneys are absolutely the WORST drivers in the Philippines. They cut, they swerve, they stop and even go on reverse in the middle of the street with reckless abandon.
Sort of like a woman driver, but more aggress... Oh wait... Sort of Like a woman driver.
Anyway, this post is about how on the way to Angono, I finally saw a Jeep that actually signalled to switch lanes, and slowed down before stopping at the road's shoulder to pick up a passenger.
The end is near.
Friday, August 05, 2005
The First Sign: The Appearance of THE OTHERS....
The other day I was browsing through Friendster, and by some weird premonition, I decided to search my own name. Now, this is the first time I've ever done searching for my own name, and having a surname such as mine wherein its so obscure even Filipinos have difficulty pronouncing it, I expected to find my own profile smiling smugly at me.
To my surprise, Friendster came up with not one, but TWO people under my name!!! (try it!)
Que horror! Another Adrian out there... possibly wreaking havoc using my good name!!!
The next day, my friend Joy excitedly YM's me... (edited for GP viewing)
Joy: "I dont miss you that much anymore"
Joy: "One of my clients looks exactly like you!"
Me: "Thats... scary..." (of course at this time, I was thinking about the evil friendster clone)
Joy: "Yes. Scary isnt it? He even acts like you. Imagine that! An Adrian Clone."
Me: "...good lord. My evil twin has resurfaced!!!"
This news, coupled with the Friendster discovery suddenly turned my world upside down. I know some people have been praying for more people like me (yeah right haha)... but Adrian Clones? This is too much.
Oh, and if any of you see me sneaking into unscrupulous areas, flirting with your girlfriend, slamming your car with a sledgehammer, crashing into a private party or doing something otherwise incriminating... Remember: its that evil Twin!
The Second Sign: The Truce Has Been Broken
For the past five years, I have been blatantly disobeying the stupid "Color Coding" law in Manila. For those unfamiliar with it, its a law here in the Philippines where cars are banned from the road once a week, depending on the last digit on their plate number (e.g. XXX001 is banned on mondays.) This initially lessened traffic, but as the years gone by, didnt actually help since anyone who could afford it just bought a second car. Now, they can't take it out anymore because once they do, the extra volume brought about by people owning more than one car (who would drive the extra car just because they suddenly can) would instantly clog Metro Manila's streets.
Anyway, for the past five years I have blatantly disobeyed this rule once, twice and even three times a week. And have never been caught.
Its uncanny. Whenever an MMDA officer looks my way, something extraordinary happens which causes the officer to look away again-- two cars suddenly crash into each other, some idiot would blare his horns, a jeepney would stop in the middle of the road, a sudden waft of air would lift a sexy pedestrian's skirt... Always, there is something that would happen to get their attention away from me.
Except last thursday.
For the first time in history, I got caught redhanded after some idiot in front of me chickened out of beating the red light, and got handed a ticket for violating the color coding law.
To celebrate of course, I slowly drove up to each MMDA outpost in my path, purposely baiting the eager sonsofbitches and then showing them the ticket with a "Gotcha! Someone beat you to it! Idiot!" smile to each one before stepping on the gas.
Fun... but still, the Truce has been broken.
The Third Sign: History is Rewriting Itself
Imagine this: Early in the 14th century, years before Ferdinand Magellan circumnavigated the world or Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas, centuries before James Cook discovered Australia, a daring Chinese Emperor assembles a gigantic fleet of 800 ships to finally map out the ancient world and discover the continents that lay around him.
But then, an internal Chinese struggle ensues, which leads to a radical change in foreign policy. The maps of the ancient world are destroyed, and all captains logs burned to ashes. However, a single map makes its way to medieval Venice, moves silently to Portugal, to Spain and from there singlehandedly triggers the European Age of Discovery.
No, this isn't a Dan Brown Novel. This is 1421 (http://www.1421.tv), Gavin Menzies' earth-shaking discovery on how screwed up a history we have. I just finished reading it and was very amazed at how logical it was.
I've always thought it was impossible for the early European seafarers to actually achieve their "journeys of discovery." I mean, look at this: Magellan supposedly circumnavigated the world with only 5 ships. Columbus reached the Americas using three. Due to restrictions on supplies (freshwater, food, ammo...etc), health risks (Scurvy, beriberi...etc) , and crudeness of seafaring technologies, using so few ships on both of these journeys were one-shot deals and were actually suicidal... unless of course they already knew where they were going.
A few years ago Time ran an article (and its still available online!!) about Asia's greatest seafarers. Zheng He, the eunuch general who commanded China's entire fleet during that time. It detailed pretty much his flagships, some reaching the colossal sizes of 130m long and 30m wide, the cannon-toting destroyers that accompanied these behemoths and the self-sustaining supply ships that made sure the 30,000-strong navy would be able survive for months at a time. The article goes on to say Zheng He reached the African Continent and brought back the emperor various exotic animals as tribute. Not bad for a guy without balls.
Gavin's book goes a bit further. Much much further. He says Zheng He led another trip, a previously unchronicled and uncharted journey, much further than Africa in the hopes of "uniting the world in Confucian Harmony" (a stark contrast to how Christian conquerors slaughtered and enslaved the peoples they ran into)
Here's an excerpt from the book (first published in 2002):
"...On the 8th of March, 1421, the largest fleet the world had ever seen sailed from its base in China. The ships, huge junks nearly five hundred feet long and built from the finest teak, were under the command of Emperor Zhu Di's loyal eunuch admirals. Their mission was 'to proceed all the way to the end of the earth to collect tribute from the barbarians beyond the seas' and unite the whole world in Confucian harmony.
The journey would last over two years and circle the globe.
When they returned Zhu Di lost control and China was beginning its long, self-imposed isolation from the world it had so recently embraced. The great ships rotted at their moorings and the records of their journeys were destroyed. Lost was the knowledge that Chinese ships had reached America seventy years before Columbus and circumnavigated the globe a century before Magellan. They had also discovered Antarctica, reached Australia three hundred and fifty years before Cook and solved the problem of longitude three hundred years before the Europeans..."
It's interesting how Gavin Menzies pieced it all together. While writing about the history of the world in 1421, he stumbled onto an old Venetian map where islands were drawn when they could not possibly have been mapped by European cartographers before. This caused him to embark on a lifelong quest to find out about the ancient seafarers who actually trailblazed the way for future explorers such as Magellan, Columbus and Cook.
Of particular interest is on how advanced Chinese technology was during that time, which led to further strength in his theory that only China and her great fleets would be able to surpass all possible obstacles to surveying the world as we know it.
Here are more excerpts.
"China’s standing can be illustrated by a comparison with London that same month.
February 1421 was also one of the most important days in English history. By the Treaty of Troyes the Hundred Years War was to be brought to an end. The French heiress, Katherine of Valois, would marry the great English general, King Henry V, and be crowned Queen of England in Westminster Abbey. When the French King died, Henry and Katherine’s children eldest child would become monarch both of France and England, uniting the two countries. At the feast on 21st February 1421 to celebrate the coronation of Katherine as Queen of England, 600 guests ate stockfish - salt cod. Their plates were but slabs of stale bread.
In Beijing, 26,000 people celebrated the inauguration of the Forbidden City with a ten-course banquet served on fabulous porcelain. Zhu Di’s favourite concubine was clothed in sumptuous silk. Her jewels included cornelians from Persia, rubies of Ceylon, Indian diamonds and khotan jade; her perfume contained ambergris from the Pacific, myrrh from Arabia, sandalwood from the Spice Islands – its composition much like the most expensive perfumes of today. Zhu Di’s walled city was more than 1400 times the size of the walled City of London.
The disparity in learning, knowledge and literacy was equally profound. In 1405 AD Zhu Di had commissioned 2,000 experts who had worked for 12 years; they could refer to six centuries of written wisdom. At last they had completed the Yongle
Dadian, a massive encyclopaedia. In Henry V’s England, printing was as yet unknown; Henry possessed six books of which three were on loan from the Nunnery of Syon House, whereas in China concubines could buy printed novels from market stalls.
England had no knowledge of the heavens. Chinese astronomers every evening charted over 1,000 stars traversing the night sky. They had predicted and noted the return of Halley’s Comet on every pass since the year 200 BC.
In June 1421 England’s King Henry would ferry his army of 5,000 archers to France in a few fishing smacks which could only carry 100 men and could only make the journey in daylight within sight of land.
That same June, Zhu Di's army of 28,000 men landed in East Africa. The Chinese cavalry was armed with every sort of gunpowder weapon. A contest between China and all the world’s navies combined would have resembled that between a shark and a sprat...."
Gavin's book traces the journey the great fleet of 1421 made. He makes note of how the ancient Chinese sailed in gargantuan ships whose very rudders were much taller than Columbus' largest ships, how they mapped out the continents, figured out how to compute latitude and longitude (you need some sailing background to understand this though) and circumnavigated the world, as well as how the crafty Portugese were able to get their hands on the ancient Chinese maps and use them to pave the way for a western-dominated society.
Now, we're slowly seeing the great giant of China wake up again from its long slumber. They lost history to the West... Will they start taking it back again?
...to be continued
Sunday, July 10, 2005
A major Ateneo-led rally, led by popular celebrities such as Dick Gordon and Gary Lising, is slated for EDSA tomorrow in a united call.... Norman Resign!! :)
Dont you just love the UAAP season? hehe
Sorry guys, havent blogged in a while. Will be posting more regularly once i have the time.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
A long long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away...
War! The prequels are crumbling under attacks of ruthless movie critics. They are zeroes on both flicks. The scripts are sucking everywhere.
In a stunning move, the great Director George Lucas,is planning to sew up the plot holes and kill off any characters that will never be seen in Episode 4.
As the intro goes on, two JEdi knights lead an action packed desperate mission to rescue the Star Wars series...
*Lots of action. In any case, the less Anakin talks, the better the scene*
Anakin and Obi-Wan are leading the Republic forces in an all out space battle. For some reason, Anakin does all the dirty work and Obi-wan looks like a total loser. But then they still make it to battleship carrying the hostage Palpatine.
Scene 2: Landing at the Battleship
Anakin and Obi-Wan land in the Trade Federation cruiser’s landing dock and enter the cruiser.
Obi wan: *Kills droids*
Anakin: *Kills more droids* Hmm.. I sense Count Dooku.
Obi Wan: I sense a trap... but then again that never stopped us before. Lets spring it!
Anakin: Ugh. Oh, R2. Take this comlink, which will mean you'll be absolutely defenseless if you hold this. And... Oh yeah stay here and guard the ship.
R2: Beeps. (subtitle: Oh shit...)
Scene 3: The Bridge
Grievous: Cough cough. What's the situation, Captain?
Captain: TWO Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay.
Grievous: Cough cough. Excellent. Just as Dooku predicted. Hand me my Turbohaler.
Scene 4: Hangar again
Anakin and Obi Wan fight their way through the battle cruiser.
R2: *Hides from big overgrown battle droids*
Obi wan and Anakin rush through the ship and kill more droids.
R2: *Cant hide from big overgrown battle droids*
Super battle droids: Come here you little bastard!
R2: *Pisses on battle droids*
Super battle droids: *Slips on the piss*
R2: *Beeps* (Subtitle: "Eat my dust, dust eaters") *turns on afterburners and runs away*
Super battle droids: *Burns up. Eats R2s dust*
Scene 5: Palpatine's Quarters
OB Wan: (bows) Chancellor.
Anakin: Are you all right?
Palpatine: Count Dooku. *Dooku Enters*
Get help! You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.
Obi Wan: Bah. Sith Lords are our specialty.
Anakin: Uh, Master, dont we get our ass kicked by the Sith each time?
*Lamest fight scene in prequel history ensues. Obi Wan DOES get his ass kicked and flops around like a rag doll. Anakin manages to slice off Dooku's hands*
Dooku: Oh shit.
Palpatine: Kill him.
Dooku: *Makes goo goo eyes*
Anakin: I cant! He's so cute...
Palpatine: Kill him!
Dooku: *Bats eyelashes*
Anakin: I cant! He's making me all warm and fuzzy inside...
Palpatine: Kill him!!!
Anakin: Ok. *Lops off Dooku's head*
Palpatine: See? That wasnt so bad. Doesnt it feel great?
Anakin: What do you want me to say? "Are you not entertained?!"
*Goes towards Ob wan. Background: Ship is exploding*
Anakin: Oh shit. Now I have to carry him through half the ship!
Palpatine: Leave him. We dont have time.
Anakin: No. His fate is the same as ours...
Palpatine:... Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot. WE WILL ALL APPEAR in the next TRILOGY.
*Anakin picks up OB wan like a rag doll*
Scene 6: Various shots throughout the ship.
Ship parts keep exploding and Anakin and Palpatine run towards the hangar bay. Obi wan is still a rag doll.
Scene 7: The trap
Droid flunkie: We found them! Theyre in hallway 328.
Grievous: Activate Time space warp.
Droid Flunkie: Ngayon din!
Suddenly Time Space warp surrounds the Jedi.
Voice Over: Ang time space warp ay...
George Lucas: Shut that thing up.
Voice over: Sorry.
Back to the Jedi...
Anakin: Arrgh! The Time Space Warp! Oldest trick in the book!
Obi Wan: Damn.
Anakin: Oh well. R2 will save our butts yet again anyway. See?
R2 comes running in.
Anakin: See? No problem.
R2: *Beeps* (Subtitle: You think you got problems?)
Battledroids storm the room and kick R2 down.
Obi Wan: Oh shit.
Scene 8: The bridge
Grievous: Ah. Obi wan, that wasnt much of a rescue. And Anakin. I thought you'd be much older.
Anakin: Screw you. You're much uglier than i expected.
Grievous: Jedi Scum! Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection (Shows a host of different lightsabers that will make Carmen Electra proud)
Obi Wan: Bastard! I wont let you take our lightsabers!
The jedi suddenly break free with R2's help. They start killing the droids while Grievous looks on.
Grievous: You lose Obi Wan! *Faces Obi Wan*
Pilot: Uh, General, the ship is exploding. And you dont have any more turbohalers...
Grievous: Damn. I gotta go. *Throws his staff at the glass window. It shatters and sucks everything out to space. Everything just breaks into total chaos.
And yeah, Grievous manages to crawl back to the ship and escape through a pod.*
Scene 9: Bridge
*Ship stabilizes a bit and the Jedi wipe out the remaining droids. They look out and see the ship crashing into a planet.*
Anakin: Great. All the escape pods are gone.
Obi Wan: Can you fly this thing?
Anakin: I have to. Otherwise, we cant appear in the next trilogy.
Obi Wan: Thats a relief.
Anakin: *Miraculously saves the day by crashlanding a 200-ton battleship into a runway the size of a sidestreet*
Scene 10: The landing
Everyone applauds the Jedi and the chancellor as they approach.
Anakin: Are you coming master?
Obi Wan: Nah. You go. You're the Jedi poster boy. And I've enough of theatrics after Moulin Rouge.
Anakin: Okay. *Walks around. Padme Appears*
Anakin: Padme! *Tries to kiss her*
Padme: Oooh. Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Anakin: It HAS been five months. Lets do it here!
Padme: We cant do it here. People shouldnt see us. Its a GP movie.
Anakin: Damn. Hmm... somethings different.
Padme: Im pregnant.
Anakin: *Stunned silence*
Padme: You're the father.
Anakin: Whew. Okay. Wow. Im so happy all of a sudden.
Padme: But anakin, what do we do?
Anakin: Dont worry. I'm sure me getting kicked out of the Jedi order and you being expelled from the Senate if anyone gets word of this wont be so bad.
Padme: Oh Anakin! Thats the sweetest thing I ever heard... *Hug, kiss, lapdance*
Scene 11: Some Conference Room
Darth sidius: Send the Separatist leaders to Mustafar.
Grievous: *Cough Cough* As you wish. And the death of Dooku?
Darth Sidius: A necessary loss. I have a much much more powerful apprentice in the making.
Audience: DARTH VADER!!!
Darth Sidius: Shhh. Anyway, go to Utapau. That should be good for your asthma.
Grievous: *Cough Cough* Thank you.
Scene 12: Padme's Apartments
Padme: *Sappy and Cheesy lines* Its only because Im so in love...
Anakin: *Sappy and Cheesy lines* No, its because IM so in love...
Audience member: Parang pinoy telenovelaaaah!
Scene 13: The dream
Padme: What is it?
Anakin: Im dreaming the same nightmares I did when my mommy died.
Padme: Whats the difference?
Anakin: *Woody acting* You were in it. You die in childbirth.
Padme: *Gasp!* Should we tell Obi Wan?
Anakin: No. Lets not. I'll find a way to save you from my nightmare.
Padme: Tried Valium?
Scene 14: Talking with Yoda
Yoda: Hmm... Close to you, someone is. Dead she will be?
Anakin: Er, not exactly, but yeah...
Yoda: If die she must, then die she will.
Anakin: You're not helping yoda.
Yoda: Mourn them do not, miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. Jealousy leads to greed. Greed leads to... Something... Something leads to fear. Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. Anger leads to... THE DARK SIDE.
Anakin: My heads starting to hurt master yoda... Everything seems to lead to the dark side.
Scene 15: Jedi Temple
Obi wan: The war is going well, but today, the senate will give the Chancellor the ability to declare martial law.
Anakin: So whats wrong?
Obi Wan: Be careful of your friend.
Anakin: Just because he asked me to kill an unarmed, pun unintended, Dooku doesnt mean he's a bad guy.
Obi wan: He has requested your presence. Its very unusual. In case you noticed, the relatons between the Jedi and the Chancellor are very stressed.
Anakin: Why the distrust. Where is the love?
Obi Wan: The force grows dark Anakin. Be wary of your feelings.
Scene 16: Palpatine and Anakin
Palpatine: This afternoon, the senate will ask me to take direct control of the Jedi Council.
Anakin: They wont report to the senate?
Palpatine: The will report to me. Personally.
Anakin: They wont like it. Anyway, I trust you because I know you're a really good guy who has the republic's best interests in mind.
Palpatine: Of course. I want you to do something, by the way.
Palpatine: I want you to be my spy there. You shall represent me in the Jedi Council.
Anakin: You mean I get to be the Jedi Master just like Master Yoda and Mace Windu??! Cool
Scene 17: The Jedi Council
Mace: We appoint you as part of the council... But not as a Jedi Master.
Anakin: WTF??!! Im part of a council but not a Jedi Master? What am I then? Chopped Liver?
Mace: Take a seat, young Skywalker!
Anakin: Sorry master.
Yoda: Under attack Wookie land is. Relations with Wookies I have. Liberate them I will.
Obi Wan: He is right! We can't afford to lose Wookieland or Chewbacca cant appear in the next sequel. I'll go after Grievous.
Mace: Its decided then. Yoda goes to wookieland, Obi Wan goes after Grievous, and Anakin... well, you stay here.
Scene 18: Anakin and Obi wan are talking
Anakin: WTF was that all about? I'm the greatest Jedi that ever lived, but not only am I not a Master, but im forced to stay here while you guys have all the action. I tell you, yoda's getting to be a real Pointy-haired boss!
Obiwan: Thats office politics for you. Anyway, I have a task for you.
Anakin: ...this sounds familiar.
Obi Wan: We want you to spy on the Chancellor.
Scene 19: Padme's residence
Anakin: *light banter*
Padme: I heard about your new role Anakin. Im so proud of you.
Anakin: I may be on the council... but im not yet a master. They still treat me as if I were a Padawan learner...
Anakin: Im starting not to like the Jedi...
Padme: Have you considered we may be on the wrong side? What if the Republic's become evil...?
Anakin: Nah. There is no way that Palpatine could be bad.
Padme: Oh Anakin! Thats the sweetest thing I ever heard... *Hug, kiss, lapdance*
Scene 20: Palpatine watching a movie
Anakin: You wanted to see me Chancellor?
Palpatine: Yes. I have good news. We found out where Grievous is hiding!
Anakin: Great! Now to capture him...
Palpatine: Wait. Tell me. Did the jedi want you to betray me?
Palpatine: They asked you to spy on me right?
Palpatine: Do you still think the Jedi are good.
Anakin: ...Jedi are good. Sith bad.
Palpatine: Good is a point of view. the Sith and Jedi are the same. They believe in security and justice. Only, the Sith are stronger because of the Dark side. Does that make them... bad?
Anakin: Head hurts... Dark Side... cannot be good.
Palpatine: The Dark side can save people from dying. There was one Sith Lord who mastered this art.
Anakin: He can save people from death?
Palpatine: The dark side of the force is a pathway to many powers... Good powers.
Anakin: Yes. That cant be bad... Where can I learn that?
Palpatine: Not from a Jedi.
Scene 21: Jedi Council
Anakin: Grievous is in Utapau.
Yoda: Act on this, we must.
Anakin: The Chancellor requested I lead the attack.
Mace windu: *Peeved* The council will make up its own mind on who to go.
Yoda: A master is needed, with more experience.
Mace: Lets send Obi wan
Anakin: But Dooku and Grievous kicked his ass the last time...
Obi Wan: *snarl*
Yoda: Obi wan, my choice is.
Scene 22: Wookieland
The wookies engage the Droid separatists. Great action follows.
In the meantime, Obi wan drops by Padme's Apartment, after which Anakin see's Obi Wan off to Utapau. Anakin checks on Padme once he gets back.
Scene 23: Utapau
Obi Wan lands his ship and the local chief Tion Medon greets him.
Tion Medon: Greetings young Jedi. What brings you to our obviously peaceful and happy planet?
Obi Wan: Im looking for Grievous.
Tion Medon: *whisper* He's up there. 10th floor. Thousands of battle droids... but you can take on him on your own.
Obi Wan: *whispers* Thanks for the info. Tell your people to hide.
*Obi Wan hides. The ship takes off on autopilot. Enemy spies think he's gone and go back to normal. Meanwhile Obi wan creeps around the place on a weird lizard thingie. He finds Grievous, who is coincidentally surrounded by a gazillion droids and suddenly jumps down on him.*
Obi Wan: Hello there!
Grievous: You got balls kenobi! Get him droids!
Obi Wan: *Kills droids*
Grievous: Enough of this! *Faces obi wan*
Obi Wan: *Kills more droids*
Grievous: Back Away. His ass is mine!
Obi wAn: Your move.
Grievous uncovers his cloak and shows FOUR light sabers! He twirls them around and attacks Obi Wan. Kick-ass light saber battle ensues.
Obi Wan cuts of hand after hand of General Grievous until the Clone troops jump in and kill more droids.
Grievous: No fair! You were never this good before this scene!
Obi Wan: Ha! I only suck when Anakin's around!
Grievous: Damn. I have to get away from him...
Grievous then beats a hasty retreat. Obi Wan follows on his weird lizard but drops his light saber.
Scene 24: Palpatine's Office:
Anakin: Chancellor, we just received a report that Obi Wan is actually kicking Grievous' Ass.
Palpatine: You should be there. But they dont trust you. The Force is too strong in you.
Anakin: How do you know this?
Palpatine: I know the ways of the force. Both Sides.
Palpatine: The dark side ain't that bad you know...
Palpatine: In case you still havent noticed, I'm Darth Sidius.
Anakin: OMG! You're a Sith Lord! I'll turn you over!
Palpatine: Remember I have the power to save Padme...
Anakin: Arrgghh! Indecision... Head hurts... *Leaves*
*In the meantime, Obi Wan is chasing down General Grievous. For some weird reason, his four legged dragon somehow outran the high-speed mono-cycle Grievous was using.
Since both dont have light sabers, they engage in hand to hand combat. Grievous of course is harder than Obi wan, but Obi learns that only after he tries kicking Grievous. After a couple more bouts of pain, he decides to use a laser pistol he found lying on the ground to fire at Grievous' unprotected lung. Grievous dies.*
Scene 25: Mace Windu's office
Anakin: Master Windu. I just discovered the Chancellor is a sith lord!
Windu: A sith lord?!
Anakin: The one we've been looking for.
Windu: Then we have to go. Quickly.
Anakin: Lets go.
Windu: Dont get involved.
*Mace Windu grabs 3 jedi flunkies and prepare to arrest Palpatine*
Windu: In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you are under arrest Palpatine.
Palpatine: I dare you.
Windu: *ignites light saber*
3 jedi flunkies: *ignite light sabers*
Palapatine: *ignites light saber. Attacks.*
3 Jedi Flunkies: *Die*
Mace and Palpatine have a helluva battle. Finally, Mace corners Palpatine.
Mace: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? *Holds Palpatine at Light Saber Point*
Palpatine: Anakin! Help me!
Mace Windu: Dont look at him.
Palpatine: *Makes goo goo eyes*
Anakin: Dont Kill him mace!
Mace: He's too dangerous to be kept alive! I said, don't look at him!!
Palpatine: *Bats eyelashes* Save me Anakin!
Anakin: Argh. Head hurts... Warm fuzzy feeling again... *Suddenly slices Mace windu's hands*
Palpatine: *Fries Mace windu and he flies out the window and falls down to his death*
Anakin: Oh shit. What have I done?!
Palpatine: No turning back now kiddo.
Anakin: Ok. *kneels* I pledge alliance to the Sith. And, uh, help me save Padme OK?
Palpatine: Rise, Darth Vader.
*Yoda is seen having a heart attack*
Scene 26: Chancellors office
Palpatine: Now for the fun part. We will terminate all Jedi that do not appear in the next Trilogy.
Palpatine: First, we massacre the jedi in the Jedi temple. NExt we'll activate a secret order I gave to all clone troops that will make them turn against any Jedi Master they're currently working with.
Anakin: Ok. I'll start with the Jedi temple...
Scene 27: Various Cutscenes
Palpatine gives the order to all his clone troops. They shoot all jedi except Yoda and Obi Wan point blank at the back.
Sample scene: Jedi Knight with a horde of Clone Troops
Jedi: Get behind me!!! I shall concentrate all my powers on the enemy, so make sure nobody fires at me from the blind spot at my back.
Clone troops: Yes sir! *Gets behind the Jedi*
Jedi: *Makes sure everyone is behind him* Lets go!!!
Palpatine's voice: Execute Order 66
Clone troops: *Concentrated fire at Jedi*
Jedi: WTf??!!! *Dies*
Obi Wan is fired with a rocket launcher and falls into a lake, but survives.
Yoda, barely surviving a series of heart attacks still gets to kick the asses of his assassins. The wookies help yoda escape by letting him piggyback on one of them.
zooms in on a wookie.
Audience: Its Chewbacccaaaaaa!!!
Yoda: Goodbye Chewbacca and Tarrful. Miss you I will.
Chewbacca: *Barks* (Subtitle:
Monday, May 23, 2005
Im still making up my mind about how I found it, but a friend and I were discussing how the Prequels had been too, shall we say, limited.
The world of Star Wars could have been expounded so much more had George Lucas NOT concentrated on Darth Vader's ascent to power. I mean, he did make it clear that the prequels would be all about Darth Vader right?
What if he stepped back and made something similar to the "Animatrix" or some non-Darth Vader related prequels. What would these look like?
Here are some of the titles of the Star Wars titles (or at least ideas) that could have been part of the prequels (not all are GP-rated hehe) :
* Idea: Chronicles of Yoda (this would be a full-blown series hehe)
* Sith Happens
Hmmm... How many Sith Lords are there... really? There were like 2 sith lords vs. tons of jedi in all the prequels...
* The Bikini-clad women in the life of Jabba the Hut --- A documentary
* The Jedi Night Scandal: The Younglings bare it all
* Shaggy, the Groovy Wookie Jedi (Or something like an Austin Powers Jedi Knight)
* Idea: The Swashbuckling adventures of Han Solo (And Chewy)
* Kama Sithra - (1001 enjoyable ways to use the Dark Side of the Force)
* Idea: The exploits of Mace Windu (he looked really cool, but I expected more action and killer lines from Samuel L. Jackson)
Oh yeah... I compared it with my "spoof" here:
I got some things right :)
1. Chewbacca DID have a cameo
2. Anakin was jealous of other Jedi's "lightsabers"
3. Anakin did use a Blue light saber even as Darth Vader
4. Anakin wasted Mace Windu
5. Padme didnt wear a bikini (darn!)
6. Darth Vader went "Nooooooooo!" in the ending
the main difference I guess was at least in MY version, it was easy to understand why Anakin scorned the Jedi and turned to the Sith :)
Friday, May 20, 2005
I went to a mandatory 4-day training class in singapore last week, and with me feeling the need for a break, I decided to extend my stay there by a weekend (and the monday) before the training.
I bunked in that Saturday with longtime partner-in-crime Lifebunny (of Its Raining Men fame) in his spacious Flat at Parc Oasis.
See some of our misadventures (through his eyes) here.
I got there via the MRT within Changi airport. Thats right. The MRT INSIDE CHANGI AIRPORT. I've been to Singapore a few times before and never noticed it. Actually, it was because not too many people seemed to use it to get out of the airport. It was located in a dimly lit floor with so few people wandering around it made me wonder if I was unconsciously sneaking into yet another restricted area.
Anyway, after a horrendously delayed flight that caused me to miss most of what I planned to do the first afternoon, asickening airline meal that made me more hungry than satiated, and a long MRT ride where I gave up my seat to an old Singaporean lady, Lifebunny easily convinced me to relax have dinner at Hooters Singapore (for those unfamiliar with this place, its a popular American sports bar with well-endowed waitresses in halter tops and short skirts, which has absolutely nothing to do with why big rowdy crowds gather there or why we chose that particular sports bar)
On the way, like the typical Pinoys out of their country, we started bashing the local culture (see his version here) or talking about how Pinoys could easily get around Singapore's strict laws and security (case in point: The MRT inside Changi could be the perfect smugglers route for unsavory characters who might want to steal airline luggage or how easy it would be to sneak into the MRT without a card.)
One of the funniest things we discussed was how they pronounce FILM (as in movie) as FLIM. Once, lifebunny was asked by his colleagues if he wanted to watch a FLIM and he was like "WTF is a FLIM?" It took him a while to figure out that it really meant "FILM".
Funny thing is, he wrote FILM down on a piece of paper and asked a local to read it. "FILM" the aforementioned local said. Apparently they read it as FILM, but use it as FLIM in their daily life. Hehe wonder if they got MLIK?
We also talked about how there were so much more pretty girls in Manila than in singapore. The difference mainly is that in singapore (overall) girls tend to dress better and have slimmer and nicer bodies (Hipon anyone?). Otherwise, a popular joke goes "What do you call a
pretty girl in Singapore? A tourist." Sigh. I suddenly missed manila.
Disclaimer: There ARE pretty girls in singapore. I met some of them in my trip hehe
Singaporeans pronounce Hooters as Hooties, he explained (later on I found out it was a joke.) But at the back of my mind I was thinking (with great disappointment) they might be implying small hooters.
Anyway, we got to Clarke Quay (where the aforementioned hooters was located) before any more Singaporeans died of a thousand verbal stillettos on their backs. Clarke Quay at that time was effectively dead. And it was 10:30 pm on a Saturday night. The only obvious activity in the area were foreigners walking around and the "Reverse Bungee" ride where you creep into the
rubber end of giant-sized "Tirador" and get whisked up and down at full Tirador speed. Hooters was the only place that had people coming and going in though, so we stuck with our plan.
I was right. Mini hooties. But then, we didnt go there for the girls, we went for the beer, Lifebunny reminded me again. As a background, the payment for staying in his flat was a couple of beers each night.
We scanned the menu and ended up ordering the 20-piece chicken wings package (the only stuff I could afford without slitting my wrists) and a bucket of Coronas. Beer here was S$10 a bottle... roughly 330 pesos (around 10-20 times more expensive than in manila). We toasted to more Beer Money (This is the most culturally accurate way of computing how much money you're making: How much beer can you buy with your monthly salary? Apparently in Manila, I make more Beer Money than he does in Singapore hehe) for all of us.
The discussion went from work to life, to the reasons why Lifebunny left Manila to go to singapore. I lamented about the number of friends that keep migrating out of Manila and a lot of other things. We toasted to making more money and getting better jobs.
We talked about how we got the jobs we wanted right after graduation even though we were the worst slackers in our block (so to speak hehe. We had the tendency to be the Bad Influences on our studious friends, consistently advocating cut classes and never took notes in class) and about college friends who were at the top of their class, but didnt get the breaks and who are now terribly disappointed with the real world.
We toasted to Slackers and Naturally Gifted people like us who never set ourselves up for a letdown in the real world.
Well, except for our Hooters expectations. There was a sort-of-show where some of the scantily clad waitressess did hula hoops in front of some drunken patrons (meaning- not us)... not exactly as entertaining as you might expect. And the last call for drinks as only 1:30 am! Talk about boring. Thus ends the forced early night back to Chateau Lifebunny...
To be continued...
For lunch, we dropped by the quaint little vietnamese community aptly
named "Vietville" for some er.. Vietnamese cuisine.
Vietville is one of the more popular tourist spots in the area. Originally it was a sort-of-refugee camp for boat people shortly after the Vietnam war broke out. At the height of the Vietnam war, the Philippines, along with a number of other nations pitched in for the boat-people and funded the creation of this village (all this I got from a commemorative signboard I read upon entering). Now it is now a thriving community of Vietnamese who chose to stay in Palawan even after they were given the opportunity to go back home.
Anyway, our group decided to have lunch at the famous Seafood restaurant there, and while the food was being prepared I decided to take a look around town.
It wasnt really a large village so I was able to walk around the area in around 20 minutes. Besides the Restaurant, there was only one major "sari-sari" store, one souvenir shop and some pens where they kept chickens, dogs and other animals. The houses here were definitely
different from the typical Filipino style in Puerto Princesa and I decided that it had to be, well, vietnamese.
Everyone I met was either biking or walking, all of whom would politely nod their heads and say "Mawning" whenever I got close. I was amazed at the number of first-generation vietnamese. I thought they'd be the first ones to return home once it was safe, but I guess Palawan just grew on them.
Near the edge of the village was a buddhist temple of sorts with a large pagoda with a statue of Buddha in his contemplative pose. Opposite to this however, was yet another pagoda styled almost like the first one.
Naturally, I was curious as to how a small community like this would have two buddhist temples and decided to take a closer look. This time, the statue doing the contemplation was none other than the Virgin Mary... Apparently that was their Catholic Parish! Talk about east meeting west!
I then went back to the restaurant and had an appetizing meal of spring rolls, shrimp and beef noodles and some of their famous French Toast (this was a bargain at 5 bucks each!) Afterwards, we prepared for the journey to the Underground River of Sabang.
The Road to Sabang
The trip going to the Underground River was an adventure in itself. The 2-hour drive going to Sabang can be done either by Jeepney, which will not leave until every bit of space has been occupied (including the rooftop and the "sabit" areas) or by a rented van.
The van, on hindsight, was a very good decision. Though more expensive, it made us able to enjoy the "Palawan Massage", what the local folks jokingly call the horribly bumpy 2-hour ride to Sabang. I, for the life of me, couldnt even begin to imagine how it would feel like to be taking this punishment of a ride on top of the Jeepney under the scorching noontime heat, hitting your flesh against the hard metal of the makeshift rooftop seats... but since it was a very comfortable air-conditioned van that we got, I just laid back and enjoyed the "massage".
The trip was otherwise uneventful, except for an occassionally great view of Palawans eastern coast or several limestone formations.
Sabang and the Underground River Nature Park
Sabang beach was our next destination. From there we could either hike 4 hours to the Underground River area or take a 20 minute boat trip. While I had no issues with walking for 4 hours with my pack, because of time constraints, we decided to go by boat.
The boat ride gave us an awesome view of the rock and limestone formations in the area as well as the surrounding beaches (see pix). The landing site was the Nature Park where the Underground River was located.
Back in Sabang beach, our van's driver who was also our tour guide for the day, advised us a couple of things before we disembarked for the boat. First, only bring stuff that are waterproof, and second, dont open your food in front of the monkeys.
The first one made perfect sense. The next didnt. And looking back, I should have taken it more seriously. In this little area gathered probably the only bayawaks (monitor lizards) in the Philippines who had no fear of being cooked adobo style and monkeys who could sneak up, snatch your potato chip bags, open it (Yes, i saw them do it!) and eat it in front of you.
When that happened, I saw the local guys flashing toothy grins and giving me the "Dont say we didnt warn you" look.
The Underground River
The Underground river is basically a large river valley that had one of the surrounding mountains collapse on it thousands of years ago. Through the years it was slowly eked out into a full-sized cavern with beautiful stalactite and stalagmite formations and developed into the longest underground river in Asia, reaching up to 8.5km from one end to another.
The opening from the nature park was a cave in the middle of a beautiful pool of clear blue water. To go inside, we had to go with one of the local boatmen and take one of the "Sagwans" or canoes which were retrofitted with high powered lights that could penetrate the darkness within the cave. Before that, we were asked to wear life jackets and miners hats. Again, the first one made sense, but the second one?
As I was thinking about this a group of dark flying creatures I mistook for bats swarmed towards the cave. The boatman used this moment to point out the use of the miners hats. There were two types of flying creatures which shared the cave- bats (active at night) and swallows (active by day.) Both of which could shit with impunity from above. I strapped on the hat immediately.
As we cast off from the park and started going into the cave, I decided to flash some light in the water. I peered underneath and saw little fishes that looked suspiciously like "Dulong"... which if caught alive and mixed with calamansi and onions, was a popular delicacy among island hoppers and local fisherfolk (and myself included). After making a mental note of bringing calamansi the next time I was in Palawan, and of documenting how typical it is of Filipinos to see and animal and try to remember how it should be cooked, my mind concentrated once again on the cave.
The "tour" that we were having covered only 1.5 km of the underground river. Beyond that, you need special permits from the Mayors office as the caverns would be too low for normal sagwans and professional diving gear would be required.
The first thing to notice once you're inside the underground river is the amount of movement. Inside these caves dwelled the swallows (which I earlier thought were bats) which were just flying all around the place. Our guide would later explain that this cave is one of the most popular spots for getting the swallow's nests, the main ingredient of "bird's nest" soup, but that the gatherers would have to scale at least 10 meters of sheer rock (and bat guano) to be able to get it.
And where were the bats? Sleeping apparently. As I shone my light through the caverns ceiling I saw rows upon rows of sleeping bats. I marveled at the timing of their internal clocks because try as I might, even my light couldnt wake them up. The guide explained they usually awaken all at once at around 5pm and return 5am the next morning at the same time again. I checked my watch- 3:30. I wouldnt see the show.
The cave narrowed and widened as we passed through. Our guide would occassionally point to weird stalactites they christened as "Ibong nakabaliktad", "mais", "Dinosaur" or some other descriptive names (which would require the same imagination as understanding how the different constellations got their names). Overall, going through the cave, I was just amazed at the sheer size of this underground cavern.
There were a few stalagmites in areas where the cave allowed for some dry land, but a lot of these just looked too creepy, and in the dim lights of the cave looked like an eery group of people discussing something. One looked so much like a human figure that other people who visited the area would later tell me they felt like they were being watched.
There was an area in the cave where there were a number of white painted crosses on the walls. Here, supposedly, the guide said, a number of priests tried to bless the cave years before. Why they blessed it, he didnt say. Which added to the creepy feeling the stalagmites gave.
My main frustration at this point was that it was so hard to take pictures. The lighting of the cave was just too dark, and simply snapping up pix required coordination with another person who would be holding the lights. Not to mention the fact that I was trying to keep the camera safe from falling bat guano.
The guide led us to an area he called "The highway". Here was a long stretch of smooth walls and stalactite-free cavern and was the most bat and swallow-free area. The walls were just beautiful, being dotted with thousands of little pockmarks that gave the effect of shining when the light flashes over them.
After the highway, encountered a larger cavern with plenty of stalactites hanging about. The guide then pointed to the dark recesses of the cave and told us that it was the end of our trip and to go further would require more sophisticated equipment. He then turned the boat around and led us on the journey back.
to be continued: Next: Puerto Princesa at night and Island hoppin in Honda Bay
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
but I got this Anonymous Comment from blogger and I just have to reply.
You Filipinos are some of the dumbest people I have ever met. Dumb flip is a term that Filipinos were commonly known by.
You are a strange looking people not one thing or the other. The Filipino accent is one of the most annoying in the world, however it serves a purpose. It announces to the world that a dumb ass is speaking.
I have never met a culture so devoid of substance. How stupid is it making tools from bamboo rather than stone? You should probably be thankful to the Spanish. Imagine how much more of a shit hole the Philippines would be if they hadn't conquered you.
Your country is a third world shit hole. You have beautiful beaches but you can hardly take credit for that. Luckily other countries took pity on your pathetic asses and let some of you move there.
To Anonymous sonovabitch:
If you drop by my site and insult my heritage, you should at least have balls enough to leave an indication of who you are so I can generalize from how stupid your way of thinking how idiotic your particular race/gender/IQ group/scientific genus is.
Im not sure why you hate filipinos so much. Did your girlfriend compare you to a filipino lover, laugh and leave you crying? Did your Mom get pregnant from a one-night stand with a Filipino? Is that how you hate how we look?
There is no "Filipino look" nor is there a "Filipino Accent" (i made that up, but i didn't factor in how literal some idiots can be) . We're a melting pot of spanish, asian and american culture and our main problem as a country is lack of identity more than anything.
Did you have a filipino boss? Did you lose your stupid job to a filipino? Cant you get over the fact that we in third world countries can do so much more stuff for much much less pay? Or do you just hate us for having damn good looking beaches and being able to go and relax in our damn goodlooking beaches whenever we want?
Tell the Japanese and chinese straight to their faces that using bamboo is dumb. lets see what their reaction is. Early civilizations tend to use whatever stuff they have lying in abundance as their main materials. But you knew that of course. You're from a First World country where you have excellent diction, perfect features, an IQ of 200 and of course stone home entertainment systems.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Annakin: What??!!! You're Pregnant??!!
Padme: Yes my love. It all happened when...
A: But... This is the last of the prequels. How the hell can you top Princess Leia in a bikini in that condition??!
(suddenly Obi wan calls Annakin on his 3D Mobile phone)
A: Yes OB Wan?
OB: Annie, the planet of Wookieland is under attack from the evil sith!
A: It is ANNAKIN! Cut out the annie stuff. And what the hell are we supposed to do in Wookieland?
OB: We need to get Chewbacca in the plot in this movie or else we have no way to explain why Harrison Ford was cavorting with an overgrown terrier.
A: Screw the wookies. Nothing can convince me to join you in a reckless attempt to save a remote backwater planet from hordes of evil heavily armed drones. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. (closes hologram)
P: Thats nice dear. I need someone to talk to while im I get all these headaches, bad moods, irritating whining and all. BTW- Do you think I look fat already?
A: (pause. Turns on the mobile phone) Uhhh, on second thought Obi Wan... Did you just say Wookieland is great at this time of the year?
Scene 2: Adventures in Wookieland
Anakin, Obi Wan, R2D2, C3PO, Chewbacca and a younger harrison ford team up to save wookieland from the evil sith. Thirty minutes of Special effects later, the whole planet is freed! Camera zooms in to the Wookies who in gratitude, keep chanting and hang out large banners of the phrase...
THANK YOU ANNIE!!!
Yoda's Voice: Anger leads to hate.. hate leads to sufffffffering
Scene 3: Jedi Council
Mace Windu: Annie Skywalker, I believe it is time you earned the right to be a full-fledged Jedi Knight.
Anakin: It is ANAKIN! Not Annie.
M: Fine. Blah blah blah... the council wants you to be Emperor Palpatine's Bodyguard.
A: Really? That nice guy who in no way could be the evil lord of the Siths?
M: Yup. And dont worry we'll take care of Padme for you while you're there. As Always.
A: Uh, ok.
Scene 4: With Palpatine in his chamber
Palpatine: I sense that you are not truly happy being a Jedi.
Anakin: Tell me about it.
P: I see your fear. I see your doubts. And I offer you a chance to find what you are looking for.
A: Really? Can you change my name?
P: (Pause). I'll do more than that... (claps his hands)
Five strange queer-looking men enter the room.
P: Behold... the power of the FAB FIVE!!!
Queers: (swarm over Anakin) Ooohhh... you know, you could lose that stupid ponytail... Oh and Black is in Vogue right now. All black will be cool. especially with plastic.
Queer1: Lose the wussy voice. Try something more manly, like James Earl Jones for example. And breath heavily. It adds to the raw sexuality of a bad guy.
A: Uhh... How about my name?
Queer2: Annie is good. Right guys?
A: I HATE ANNIEEE!!!!! (Uses THE FORCE to rip out the insides of Queer Guy #3)
Queer 2: On second thought, Darth something is always nice. How about Darth Annie?
A: (uses THE FORCE to rip out the insides of queer guy #4)
Q2: Darth RaideR? VAder? Yeah! Vader is cool!
Palpatine: I will give you this... all of this... ... if you join us in... THE DARK SIDE
A: So no one will call me annie again?
P: Yes! No one will ever call you annie again. Plus I'd remodel your Death Star too if you want. Hmm... Id have given you dance and culinary lessons, but you fried the two queers.
A: Well, theyre pretty much useless anyway. The only cool ones are the ones that actually give the makeover and the remodeling....
P: Oh well. So you will join us then? I'll throw in a whole new wardrobe for free if you join now.
Scene 5: Darth Vader is talking to palpatine
Darth Vader: Kill the Jedi? Why?
Palpatine: It is your duty as sith.
D: No way. Mace is my friend. And Yoda's so cool levitating and talking funny like that.
P: Then i have no choice. I must tell you a dark secret.
P: Padme had an affair with one of the Jedi Knights. The child she is carrying is not yours.
D: WHAT???!!!!! THAT BITCH!!!
P: Yes. My sources say they saw her with Yoda and "playing with his lightsaber" (wink wink.)
Yoda: Take good care of her we will. Trust us you can. Hmmm.
D: YODA??!!! I cant believe it!
P: Well, now that you mention it, im not so sure who it was... But our spies were pretty sure it WAS a jedi with a blue light saber...
D: THOSE BASTARDS!!! I WILL KILL THEM ALL!!! (Storms out)
Scene 6: Darth Vader is attacking the council
OB Wan: Annie!! What are you doing?
Darth Vader: I am not ANNIE!!! I will kill yoda and all of you Jedi knights! Leave now Obi wan or i will kill you too!
OB Wan: (draws a BLUE light saber) Im sorry, Annie, but ill have to stop you.
Mace Windu: (Draws a BLUE light saber) If you want to go to yoda, you pass thru me.
Twenty other Jedi Masters (draw twenty other BLUE light sabers): And us!
Darth Vader: Bastards!! (Attacks all the Jedis)
30 minutes of Light Saber fighting later...
OB Wan: Ughhh cant stand (almost dies)
Mace windu: (dies)
Twenty other Jedi Masters: (dies)
DV: Thats what happens when you call me Annie!
(Darth Vader OST plays.)
Scene 7: Padme's Bedroom
Yoda: Hmmm. Great Anger I sense. Disruption in the Force, I fear.
Padme: Thats me in labor! Where the hell is Annnakin??!! I will kill him for doing this to me! (Gives birth to the twins)
Darth Vader crashes into the room and walks towards Padme.
DV: I am not Annie, you bitch!!! (uses force and throws Padme around the room)
Padme: Annie!! Why are you doing this??!!
DV: Shut up! So you like Yoda's light saber better than mine??!!
Yoda: (interrupts) Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hm? Mmmm. (draws a BLUE lightsaber)
A fight ensues between yoda and Darth Vader. Yoda, getting desperate, uses the Force to teleport baby Luke and Leia out of the bedroom and into the next trilogy. Padme, saves yoda by shielding him with her body. As Darth Vader deals the killing blow, Yoda flies out.
DV: Padme! Im sorry! What have I done??!
Padme: (Gurgles blood) I never had any affair with other Jedi knights!!!
P: And those two children were yours!
P: And you look like a moron in that mask!
DV: Nooooooooo!!!! (pause)
DV: Wait, It is better than the ponytail right?
P: Well yeah... Where was I? Oh yeah... You just killed any chance of me appearing in a bikini you idiot!!! (dies)
P: (looks up) Oh yeah. Look at your light saber.
(looks at his BLUE light saber)
Padme: (dies. for real)
And with that, the prequel ends. Darth Vader, now the only remaining Jedi knight besides OB Wan and Yoda becomes the most evil villain in the galaxy. The empire falls to the dark side and all hope is lost... until the next sequel... A NEW HOPE (duh)
Friday, April 29, 2005
I hate planes. I hate flying. You'd think by now, after getting on planes at least a couple of times year since I started working, I'd get used to the fact that im strapped onto a cramped seat for at least an hour doing nothing but wait for some terrorist to shout "Bomb!" and cause mass hysteria. You'd think I'd get used to that damn irritating feeling of someone driving a screwdriver through my eardrums everytime the plane takes off or lands. You'd think with all these enhancements like sexier flight attendants and in-flight-movies to ensure fliers get as comfortable as possible it would make me like flying even more... But noo.... I never did get the hang of this necessary evil.
What I usually just do on a plane is wear shades, recline my seat, ask for wine and a blanket, tell the flight attendant to please, please, leave me alone and just sleep through the duration of the flight. And yeah, I sit right next to the emergency exit. That usually fixes my flight jitters gives me the luxury of sleep... that is, until the plane gets into a landing maneuver and causes my eardrums to explode while the flight attendant tries to help by asking me to un-recline my seat.
The flight to Palawan was different. Sort of.
Got on PAL's 830am flight to Puerto Princesa. It's curious to note that it was a Friday flight and the Airbus seemed to be fully booked. Is palawan getting to be that commercialized already? I was a bit late though, and I wasnt able to get my emergency exit seat. Oh well. No biggie. Im brave. I can handle it. Nothing but water down there anyway. And getting marooned in one of Palawan's isles isnt exactly a bad thing right? Not like crash landing in the middle of some african
jungle where no one speaks english and cannibalism is in vogue...
Anyway once I was airborne, i did my thing- strapped on my shades, reclined my seat and asked for wine. Of course, it didnt occur to me that in economy class of a local flight THERE IS NO WINE. So i tried to get drunk on orange juice instead. Didnt work. I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. Too many people talking in a language I understand. And with only an hour for the trip, it was pretty much useless anyway. At least it was a quick one. A little bumpy and a bit too painful for my sensitive ears, but still quick and tolerable.
Got out of the airport a bit before 10am. Noted the number of people coming out of the plane: lots of pinoys on vacation, a group of chinese, a couple of blacks and a number of french speaking white guys. Tourism's picking up, but nothing like Thailand's Phuket (at least pre-tsunami) where europeans come in droves causing long lines at the immigration terminal because the airline officials there cant speak three sentences of straight english.
Anyway, my first destination was our base in Puerto Princesa... The Legend Hotel. Pretty much decent. They fixed the transport coming in from the airport and arranged for our rented vehicles. Its a recently renovated hotel: they expanded their facilities and included more corporate function rooms and a convention center. I think its the best place to hold corporate outings (the legit ones hehe), next to Asturia's in Puerto Princesa.
On the side:
There are no taxis in Puerto Princesa. Just lots of Tricycles. That minus 300 pogi points for each paparazzi shot that gets circulated. But its pretty cool if you're there. The natives are very friendly and you can get the tricycle driver to tour you around the city for less than 50 bucks.
Anecdote: Later on, my brothers cap blew off while we were in the highway. As we stopped to look back and try to retrieve it, the tricycle behind us actually stopped, picked it up, drove towards us and handed it over with a smile.
After checking in and leaving our stuff, we got on a hired van. The agenda for the day was lunch at Vietville, the vietnamese village and a trip to Sabang's underground river.
...to be continued...
To those interested with what happened to my Palanca entree: As of this writing, its the last night before submission, and though I have everything in place and I just need to type everything in my head, Im stil 70% to go (yeah after months of
procrastination, tons of work, a palawan trip that didnt give me enough R&R to write, and a helluva writer's block the past few days). I have yet to do any of that technicality crap (filling up the forms, getting the damn stuff NOTARIZED, fixing up those stupid identity issues, formatting.... ugh), and the anesthetic from my recent tooth extraction has just wore off putting me, shall we say, in great pain. Plus, I wont have the luxury of having anyone besides myself read it before submitting...
So between sacrificing some life force to make it to the deadline (still a possibility at the time of this writing) and polishing it up so it becomes a real obra maestra, gunning for next year and just updating my blog... Well, lets just say its with great regret that I choose to go with next year.
Either that, or just submit it to the nearest filmwriting contest... Anyone know anything about these?
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
So there I was, 11pm last night, fresh out of the gym in typical "pambahay" porma of shorts, a shirt and slippers and with my hair stupidly air-dried, waltzing into KFC and ordering a HotShots meal. Then asking the counter girl if i could Please, please borrow her pen.
I dont know if it was fate, my goo goo eyes, or the sheer idiocity of the moment that made her give me her pen but it worked like a charm. Got her pen, sat down and collected all the placemats of the surrounding table. Next thing I know i was like a man possessed: scribbling, drawing and basically filling up the backs of those paper placemats with ideas while chowing down on the anti-Gym meal I ordered. And I was pretty sure those folks in KFC were all curious as to what I was doing. Mental note: never show my face there again.
The whole thing kept up for an hour (and two drinks, three meals and a chocolate mousse later) before I was finally done. Now all I need to do is make sense of the chicken scratches I'm now currently deciphering and do my job as a Typer and submit my crammed work before the April 29 deadline.
Weird. Not that it was the first time i did something like that... but I couldnt seem remember the last time it happened to me. Inspiration comes like gusts now, nothing like the gentle flow of before...
Lets see if the muses are really coming back for good.
Had my 5th steak this week at Hot Rocks. Each one with a more colorful story than the last (or was it an unconscious rationalization?) as to why I just had to pass by that place. Damn, that stuff is addicting!
For the benefit of those unfamiliar with it, its now my favorite un-conyo steakhouse in AutoCamp, in Ortigas avenue. Its motto is "no-frills, just good food". For good reason.
Though you can get better ambiance in ChowKing, the main reason people go there is that you get to be served a large slab of juicy steak as low as 130 pesos!!! And after that, theres this little shop nearby that sells the most affordable chocolate sponge cake around.
Mmmm... Cholesterol and sugar fix in one go. Did I tell you they serve beer there too?
Yeah, thats another day off my life expectancy.
Damn power surge fried my PS2 and half the lights in our house!
And just when I plunked around 8k for the stupid hard disk.
Ugh. Now im depressed.
Monday, April 11, 2005
In times past, I imagine, I could have been that acolyte that quietly guarded a mysterious secret, or a dark ninja that listens in from his rooftop perch. I move from place to place taking to the shadows, silently taking in everything of note. No secret can be hidden from my sight, nor gossip from my ears. All are revealed under my scrutiny.
Here's a sample of what I found.
Palawan or Boracay?
After the Dos Palmas kidnapping incident a few years back, the island paradise of Boracay beefed up its security. Besides the local Coast Guard patrolling the area, part of the island's defense are its Navy regiment (2 ships), the PNP (2 ships) and a volunteer patrol boat from the Diver's Association.
Furthermore, because of the strategic location of Boracay, it is too far from any possible refueling stations that an Abu-Sayyaf-type of speedboat kidnapping would require and the nearest port, Aklan, is fairly secure.
Palawan on the other hand... is a big big area with lots of little islands that are perfect for Pirate bases.
Im going to the more exciting Palawan next week :)
To anyone looking out for a new gaming console, always bring your friendly neighborhood geekazoid when making a purchase.
Ive just uncovered the latest scam in greenhills. Some unscrupulous vendors are out there buying old Playstations and X-boxes, refurbishing them and selling them as brand new. Beware of these rip-offs.
I was able to talk with one of the more prominent anthropologists here in the country a couple of weekends ago.
I was curious as to what exactly is the tie that holds all Filipinos together. What primordial trait or virtue binds us all? If we werent colonized by Spain for all of 300 years what would we be like?
And so I asked him. What's the most common trait among ALL regions and sub-cultures in our country?
To my surprise, he was also of the impression that in each Filipino lies a tiny little devil of deviousness that makes us want to cut across corners, pull down would-be-achievers and just bend and twist every rule of law there is. This was apparently noted down even by the early spaniards who saw our ancestors as slick, cunning bastards that should never be trusted.
And this is what we see in our culture today. This is why there will never be a community of Pinoys that will make it big in any country. This is why only the most maverick and unconventional of our lot will succeed outside the Philippines. In our genes, or at least in one of our relatives, is a ticking timebomb of evil that will ultimately destroy us all.
That is the tie that binds all of us. Now, my next question is... Is this the same the tie that binds all humanity together as well?
How then does one get rid of that evil little monster inside of us all?
Davao's Mayor Duterte has a great idea: Put a bullet through its head once it starts to manifest.
Needless to say, Davao is one of the safest and most drug-free cities in the Philippines. Kudos to the Davao Death Squad and their unique solution of Vigilanteism in that area.
An alternative to this fiasco of a Democracy? Maybe.
I always thought that the Philippines was never really civilized when the Spaniards first settled in.
Why? Look at the Incans and the Mayans: even after their colonizers killed off their culture, a ton of relics still thrive in old temples and pyramids. Their gods and goddesses were forever etched into stone or gold, and that even at this time their structures still stand.
Look at Thailand and Cambodia and their rich culture of Golden Buddhas and ancient martial arts. Its so rich in culture they can actually live on tourism alone.
We on the other hand, have only the churches in the North and some ancient Spanish relics like Magellan's cross in the South. We dont even have a legitimate martial art that survived to this day, or even excellent metalwork that dated back to Lapu-lapu times... There was nothing pre-Colonial that ever lasted.
This notion was shattered after I talked with a visiting archeologist..
Apparently, stone wasnt the favorite medium of our forefathers. Bamboo was in vogue then, and most of our artifacts were made with Clay and Bamboo. We had our own code-of-laws, literature and language back then as well. And we were known shipbuilders even by the surrounding countries.
If the Spanish hadn't come, we'd be almost like Indonesia (thank god for our genes).
When the Spanish did get to conquer us (through infighting between local chieftains), they destroyed all evidence of culture (Duh, it was just pottery and bamboo) and replaced it with Christianity. Then they added in their own special twist to keep us dumb and docile for the next 300 years.
Did you know that there is a Islamic version of the Antichrist?
I searched through google and was amazed at what I found. (Devout Catholics, please dont read any further).
Apparently, Islam and Roman Catholicism have too many similar roots:
1. Both are monotheistic
2. Both have extremely heirarchical structures.
3. Both are heavily dependent on tradition for rituals (e.g. Muslims pray at 5pm, Catholics need to go to mass every sunday. Both have no idea why.)
4. Both religions power of influence heavily depends on undying obedience and thrive on the ignorance of their masses.
5. It is only in Catholic and Islamic States that they have issues on "Church vs State". I think it has something to do with their heirarchical structure and need for control of the masses.
6. Both have problems dealing with Democracy. I mean, has there ever been a Roman Catholic or Islamic country that succeeded as a Democracy? (I'm looking at Iraq. This will serve as a good case study)
7. Both will spam me later for posting this.
I was thisClose to going on a trip to Monaco.
Unfortunately for me, it didnt push through and yet again, hot European babes are denied the charms of my cute Filipino accent.
There are times when you get so used to everything going wrong that keeps going wrong at all the worst possible times that when something absolutely perfect comes along you're at a loss at what to do. And so you close your eyes and try to see through this devious ploy life just put you through, unsure if its your eyes or your mind thats doing the tricking.
Then you realize it just might be the blindfold.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
And after all those donations to the Gym, buffet lunches with clients and inhuman daily doses of coffee, it just peeves me that everyone once in a while gives me a ribbing on how obvious it is that i'm outta shape...
So i decided to post on my best alcohol-induced comebacks on the leading question -
"Aren't you getting a bit... overweight?" (Patenting in process)
Really? I look bigger? I'm never wearing this shirt again...
Thats not a tummy. Thats an extended battery pack for this relentless love machine
Nah. I got bored with my sixpack... upgraded it to a higher model
Thats not fat, my gym instructor confirmed its really muscle... Too much sit-ups and all that crap...
This? I got it to help in watersports. Reduces impact and adds to your bouyancy you know...
heres a couple in Filipino:
Talaga? Shet. Nakulam ako...
Kahit sino tanungin nyo, mas masarap ang isang malaking Monay kesa sa anim na pandesal... (thanks to Jose Cuervo for this one)
And my favorite (kudos to Johnny Walker and some Russian Friends for this):
So what? What his abs can do, my beer belly can do better!
**Note: this does not reflect how often i am asked that question in any way :)
will post more this week ;)
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes. (Useful, useful...hehehe)
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? (Must try this one out sometime...)
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. (this too)
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could rideyou all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. (...or "It said PRESS!")
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. (Im not even sure if this is a pickup line!)
15. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. (Good point. Girls like frankness sometimes...)
18. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
19. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
20. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
21. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
22. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. (Man, this would really sweep her off her feet)
23. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
24. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
"You do know why you are here, do you not, Xero?"
Xero squirmed miserably. Michael the Archangel, sworn defender of humanity, bane of all things evil, did not dwell on pleasantries.
"Im not exactly sure, Archangel."
Michael's eyes studied Xero's face for a moment. Angels are incapable of lying, but then again, nobody can stop them from giving half-truths.
"You've always been creative in the past Xero. I personally applaud some of your ingenious tricks. Your style of saving Soloflite from certain excruciatingly painful death such as lightning storms, earthquakes, gas explosions and throngs of Ateneans after an Archer win is commendible at the least."
"And those times, where you got down and dirty to disguise yourself as a passing motorist to help him when his car broke down or a wandering guide to show him the right path when he idiotically decided to leave a map behind was praised even among us Archangels."
"But once in a while, Xero, once in a while, you overstep your bounds." The Archangel's eyes darkened as he looked at Xero. "You performed a Simulacrum."
Xero suppressed a shudder. So this was what this meeting was all about: The Simulacrum is one of the most secret techniques in the angelic world.
A complex spell for creating mistaken identities, it switches the immediate destinies of two people by making the first person appear as if he were the Second person to everyone else. Thus it has been used sparingly throughout the ages to either save important historical figures from certain death, or to connect two predestined souls together.
Definitely not the way he used it last weekend.
"I saw no reason to do that Xero. While we may allow you the freedom to choose how to complete your tasks without asking us Archangels for approval, it does not give you an excuse to show off your power unnecessarily."
"Mi'lord, I was entrusted to protect the life of my ward..."
"Yes, yes, I know the story" Michael said with his eyes rolling. It was no secret that even Michael did not understand why He gave Xero this task.
"Protect Soloflite. Keep him from any physical harm. Shield him from anything that would cause permanent disfigurement, mental instability, or irreparable braindamage..."
"...BUT nowhere does it say to keep him away from wandering middle-aged matrons."
"She would have picked him up... and danced the swing Mi'Lord."
"And just WHY", an eyebrow went up, "would that be a good reason to use a Simulacrum?"
"The song would end just as they approached the dance floor, Mi'Lord. The next song would scar him for life..."
"And that song being..?" Now Michael was curious. A single song that would make this angel use one of the most secret Angel techniques.
"It's Raining Men" Xero whispered.
The Archangel found himself suddenly smiling.
"It is the GAYest song ever known Mi'Lord." continued Xero. "And theres another thing...
"The whole thing was captured on video. By their friends."
"And Lifebunny, the person who I swapped his destiny with, was caught smiling and singing along with the song the whole time."
Michael wiped the grin from his face. Just like Xero to be overprotective... but this WAS warranted. Somehow.
"And this Lifebunny? How is he now?"
"Terrible Mi'Lord. He now has a new nickname. And the video is circulating throughout the internet"
Michael sighed. Poor sap, unluckily for him, he was standing next to Soloflite and his ever-thoughtful guardian angel.
"Arrange to have him leave the country. Let him start out another life in some boring humorless suburb in some uncreative new country where no one knows about his history... or anything about Raining Men."
"At once, Mi'Lord."
To my friend and co-conspirator, Richard "Lifebunny/SaddisticWombat/100-Siomai-Man/It's Raining Men" Cua...
And dont mind the .MPEGs circulating all around. :P