I could almost hear Sean Connery doing his DragonHeart line "Ie AHM The LashT One!" this morning.
I have just realized that I am alone in the driving world of Manila.
Everyone else is either a spineless fag who cant summon the bravado to do a simple u-turn in c-5 or a hotheaded bastard who cuts me every step of the way.
Being the last good driver in manila does have its benefits you know :)
I mean, I drive so well even the MMDA acknowledges it. Modesty aside, i even think they have their own fan club for me there...
Never has a day gone by when one of our friendly neighborhood traffic cops would wave at me in the morning... Some are even so enthusiastic as to actually call their other MMDA friends so they too could catch a glimpse at me. Others would even tap on The Jaguar or try to stand in front of me with both arms wide apart to offer me a hug...
Well I'd just wave right back and drive happily past as they jump out of my way. And I'd be radiant yet again in the knowledge that some people still believe in good drivers like me...
Well, I've been thinking. If I can do it, well, why not everyone else? So I took it upon myself to list down five of the most commonly misconceived questions about driving in Manila and what I, Soloflite, Model Driver and Citizen has found out about them.
Here they are:
1. Are the MMDA policemen?
They are not Policemen. They are not even MEN. They are a little-known government experiment that planned to create the perfect soldier... which unfortunately, due to budget issues and funding directly from pork barrel, created the perfect predators instead.
The typical MMDA predator has such finely tuned senses that even in the blackest night can see the last digit of your platenumber from a kilometer away. They can even see you do things you would swear you never did. And there have even been reports that they can also know the difference between a 500 and a 100 peso bill based on the noise they make when you slide them under your license...
Although typically dressed in yellow, they can use their innate camouflage abilities to blend in with the surrounding areas until that last moment when they suddenly pop up in front of you and takes your license.
Beware the MMDA. They are not to be trifled with.
2. Is it true that we need to bribe them sometimes?
Heavens no! The MMDA are above such things. However, they have also been gifted with strong empathy towards drivers that sometimes they will volunteer to do away with the hassles of ticketing, taking your license and attending driving seminars.
The acceptable answer is to tip them graciously for their commitment to their jobs, excellent public service and concern for your overall wellbeing...
Or you could just drive past them. They're too lazy to write down your plate number anyway.
3. Do I really have to stop when the light turns red?
No. You have a grace period of 5 seconds to follow the car in front of you. This goes as well to the person behind you.
4. Do i really have to move when the light turns green?
Yes. It is even encouraged to beat the green light by a few seconds. If the idiot in front of you doesnt know this, blare your horn a few times once the light turns green.
5. Is there really such a thing as a fast lane?
Yes, there is a fast lane. At seven am it is at the Outer left lane and moves to the next one every 5 minutes:
Outer Left (7:00) --> Outer Right (7:05) --> Middle Lane (7:10) --> Outer Left (7:15)
...in that order. This is the fastest lane in manila and you should learn how to use it. Take note, this is not considered swerving as long as you are staying in the Fast Lane.
Well that's enough public service for now. Just doing my job as a role abiding citizen ;)