Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Merrily I Go Along

Once in a while you just wake up, look around and suddenly feel like everythings just so wrong. Its a weird feeling--slowly tugging at your soul telling you that somehow you dont belong here in this world. That somehow you're acting out some else's life. Living out someone else's dream.

You realize that this time its not a question of whether the cup is half full or empty anymore. Its whether you heed life's writing on the wall or take up the challenge and pick up the gauntlet that the same hand threw down after writing.

Its like walking around lost, confused and alone, looking back from time to time wondering if the lesser-trod path was really the right choice. That maybe, just maybe, there might have been another lane you could have taken. That maybe the last crossroad you just ran by could've taken you to a better place.

Once in a while you just wake up, look around and realize that you never really did live your dream. That you failed to save the world from the evils you swore against, or screwed up in making the difference that would have been your legacy.

That you're living your life not as you really want to. Not swimming against the deadly currents or even braving the stormy weather. Just staying afloat and paddling enough to survive.

That somehow nothing no longer stokes the flames that were once burning fiercely in your belly. Nothing no longer puts the gleam back in your eyes. That somehow, this nothingness that you feel has finally replaced the fullness of life you once had.

Once in a while you just wake up and realize that you no longer have a dream. You wake up and realize that you're living no life, fighting for no crusade, dying for no cause.
Come to think of it, theres not even a torch to pass on, nor an apprentice to continue the craft. You got the world on your shoulders, not knowing if you can even put it down. Was life really meant to be like this? You start to doubt that maybe, just maybe, this life you chose wasn't the one you were supposed to live.
And yet, despite this, you go on: Not caring whether you live or die, whether you win or lose. Not caring if you're going where you ought to go, no matter bleak or gloomy. No matter how lonely. Dispassionately, you try to find out what life has in store for you and throw everything into looking for a dream that you think you ought to have.

Once in a while you just wake up from your dreamless state. And sigh.
Its really all about the money.

21 comments:

-raindrops- said...

aah solo...was already pondering abt things while reading this - till i got to the punchline that is. :p

ennui said...

The road less traveled wasn't meant to be easy. Otherwise everyone would've walked through it too. In my opinion, it shouldn't matter whether you reach your destination or not. The important thing is that you enjoyed your journey and became a better person because of it. Ü

transience said...

hmmm. another side of solo i have yet to dissect when i see him. what a great way to find out that it was all about the money train, the green goblin, the graet ka-ching of the cash register.

but an answer to whether the cup is half full or half empty? well, sometimes, it's just a cup. =)

Anonymous said...

half-full, half-empty cup? money? life?

in short, walang pang "kape diem" ?

-berto

hera said...

and i thought it was impossible to feel sadness and then just laugh after 30 seconds. your dementia is contagious. =)

by the way... can you write wearing a gauntlet?

claudzki said...

solo - even the nest of us have our bad days.

and yes, it's all bout the money :D
"..all bout the money..all bout the dum dum dudeedum dumm..."

rhapsody said...

I've discovered as time goes by, it's NOT about money when I HAVE money. When I'm broke, then it's ALL about money. Isn't that awful? I'm supposed to be one of those struggling musicians living out a passion... but I still need money. I want a car and membership at some sosi club before I die....

Arashi-KIshu said...

its called quarterlife crisis daw

tessa said...

TOTOO YAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!! pera ang bottom line ng mga problema natin!!!!!!!!!!

Jac said...

I'm right there with you :) As I run from one job to another and come home to make yet more work, I wonder if I made the wrong decision giving up a higher paying job in China to work at least 3 jobs at a time.

But I also know that if I take that path, I would live the rest of my life knowing I never pushed the limits of my creativity. That I just stayed within my comfort zone. That I decided not to dare when I had the chance.

well, that should explain why I haven't been blogging lately :)

EvilManLtd said...

Sadly I have to agree. Yes it is all about the money. But look at it this way. It's about the money only because of the responsibilities and the costs it certainly entails. If you're young and free throw caution to the winds and take flight. We who are hunkered down by the responsibilities of raising a family and paying the bills have to contend with reality. Be one of us and open yourself to another world. Stay the status quo and enjoy all the freedom it gives.

Anonymous said...

Awww...when i was reading it i was like in a dreamy, sentimental state. then came that last line. parang, whappak! back to the real world! and sadly, it's mostly all about money in the real world.

~ tina (graynpink.blogspot.com)

Cristina said...

I can so relate. I read in one of my books that a sure symptom of the death of your dreams is that life becomes a Sunday afternoon. You settle for what there is because you think it's the mature thing to do to not ask for anything more of life. You lose your passion and drive for anything. No purpose.

While it seems to ALWAYS boil down to what dreams you can AFFORD, it is consoling to try and remember why you want the money to begin with. We normally want money to achieve a feeling. I guess that's where creativity steps in, to aim for that feeling despite the lack of money. The challenge also comes in choosing which perspective to assume in life. Will you go on wanting what you don't have or be happy with what you do have, realizing that whatever place in life you're in is exactly where you need to be, the perfect place. And it's good to remind ourselves of the things in life that matter. Chances are, we will find that money is really not what the soul yearns for at the end of the day. All easier said than done, but very true nonetheless.

ennui said...

Cristina that was very enlightening Ü

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I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw Elvis in the supermarket yesterday.

No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new plasmatv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a plasma tv .

Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger then I'm gonna go home and ask Michael Jackson to come round and watch that waaaay cool surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on my new plasma tv .

And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

"You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on "

Strange day or what? :-)

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